ILYBINILWY

[AJM]

I'm curious, you said, "We all must change to adapt to our surroundings. Constantly. Nobody has a choice in that." Then why did you put a stop to it when your W kept asking you to change?

Not to take away from Regretful's post. That was a very wise post and very helpful in all aspects of life.

But to directly answer your question, CV, I didn't stop changing. As with most things, it's far more complicated. The dynamic was that I was too harsh on the kids. She was too protective of my son (not my daughter oddly enough). That started when he was first born. To the point of being exclusive of reality. But that wasn't the issue; that was something we fought about and that she didn't like. In the end, that was the only thing.

In her case, she overloaded while in grad school (dentist) and began to pull away. I was taking care of the kids, the house, and working. As she pulled further away, I noticed, but gave her room. She was stressed. As time went on, she started exercising (something I asked her to do for years and she didn't; I wasn't going to leave her over it though ). She started talking about other men after sex, dressing younger, partying, being out all the time. It exploded shortly after her nephew killed himself (she barely knew him - he was on the other coast) and I approached her about spending more time with the kids. I got the speech. She went numb. Said it was her not me. Later she got rageful (fun Christmas to say the least) and started cheating on me. Then started blaming me for all kinds of things. Started changing her personality, then moved out (on Mother's day - blaming me for the way I was with the kids but leaving them with me.) She still tries to accuse me of things.

Along the way, with the help of a counselor, I finally figured out the dynamic of why I was rough with the kids. By rough I mean I was protective of her and harsher than is my personality or the kind of person I want to be. What was happening is that she was creating a situation to put them between us, but didn't want to spend time with them. I couldn't quite figure it out because I didn't want to believe what she was doing. She was creating the dynamic and I was reacting to it in a negative way. Later it became more apparent when she offered me sex if I would divorce her and she left the kids with me so she could party more. She wanted out, but didn't feel she could justify that to herself, her friends or her family.

She solved the problem by "purging" her friends and lying to her family. I still get on famously with her family, so I've had to hear some of that.

I never stopped working on me or the things she had asked for. The things that were changes I needed to make for me, I made. I still do make changes for me.

I don't listen to her any longer. She is reconnecting with the kids, but not in a very healthy way. She is angry and they know it. My D doesn't talk to me. I don't know why, but at one point like her mom, she wished I would end up alone (anger).

I do not stop working on me, for me and for my kids, CV. I realize how much healthier it is without her. I wish she would just go away and leave me alone. Or at least co-parent. I've tried to accommodate for that end many times. She is not able to do that and chooses instead to express anger and unhappiness. Her new husband (the OM) can have that. I wish her the best.

Perspective - While I was figuring this all out, I once stopped on my way into work and started laughing hysterically when it dawned on me - I was so close to perfect in her eyes, with one flaw (my reaction to her manipulations), that it took her a very long time to come up with a story she could use to help her "justify" leaving. Sad, but funny too. She tried for more to use against me. She tried to accuse me of cheating on her, of being a pu***y (for letting her go without a huge fight), she tried to get her boyfriends to beat me up, she even tried to get me to hit her. I had already figured out too much of what she was doing by then.

I'm guessing from her perspective it wasn't funny. It was critical that I not be "perfect". She needed something to help her justify her actions and she twisted things and lied to fill in the gaps.

I think in the end, she needed out of that life but didn't want to accept it was her. Don't get me wrong, she went to doctors and tried to find a reason for her unhappiness. Several. She didn't like counselors, but went a few times. She didn't like AD's, but did well with them until she stopped.

I have not stopped changing CV, nor have I stopped working on me and loving my kids. I always have and always will and I see the value in it. I see the detriment of negative thinking cycles. I see the value in positive thinking. I see the value in always adapting and improving ourselves. Regardless of the world around us and what's going on at the time.

I have had to adapt to her still CV. She has tried very hard to exclude me from her new "family" she is trying to create with OM. My son and I are very close but she tried to take them from me. I've tried very very hard to get the kids to reconnect with her. I tried very hard to let her rants, threats and BS go by the wayside. I've tried to co-parent with her. But I keep adapting because that's not what she is capable of doing.

Always life. Always change. Always strive for positive change. I can't look at myself in the mirror and like the man I see if I do otherwise.

Peace,
AJ