While waiting on that...I was re-reading my older posts and came across a couple of points that hit me. I don't know if they hit me in the same manner when I first read them but they hit me now.

Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
And that ultimately... you became like her X1, that you disengaged from her. Basically, for her, it was the same thing... all over again...
I really think that there is a very close correlation between your D1 and your D2.


This hit me, hard. I disengaged during both M1 and M2 - maybe for different reasons, maybe not - but I disengaged. Damn it..this is what I do, I disengage. I disengaged from M1 and M2 during stresses, I disengaged from my family for other reasons, I disengaged from friends, I disengaged, disengaged, disengaged...this is how I handle stress and I haven't even seen it. My entire life but I didn't see it. I also see that M1 only entrenched this way of living further. X1 was a very emotional and sensitive person. In the beginning this was something that made us closer - I consoled her and we connected during these times. Later, I pulled away and disconnected from X1 when she reacted highly emotional. She didn't change how she handled this emotionally, I changed how I reacted to it - I pulled away and disengaged from her when she acted that way. If I were to be honest I lost a little respect for her because, as I saw it, she couldn't "handle" the stresses of life. But, look at me, how did I handle it? I disengaged. I could have talked to her about it, I could have went to counseling with her, I could have taken her to a marriage program. I did none of those things, I just disengaged. Ugh...

And then, I did the same thing in M2 and X2 just started seeing what she couldn't stand in her M1. Je*us, I knew I had a big part in D2, but I didn't see how connected it was to how I actually lived my entire life. I looked at it from a micro level - while I should have seen it at a macro level...

I did this to myself - will I do it again? How many times do I need to do this before I learn? I'm afraid...