Well here is hoping 2013 is kinder and gentler than 2012. Actually 2011 stunk too so let's hope improvement is on the way.
Lots of "coming around again" scenarios coming into play lately. It's the beginning of a new year and I keep thinking where I was a year ago. Seeing the Valentines cards and hearts and candy have the memories come crashing back into me. Here I am at a kids bouncy house place where I remember being almost a year ago after H and I had "the talk". I remember how desperate and scared I was. How much I cried and prayed and was in denial. Although not much has changed about my sitch, I have changed dramatically. I found this board, found my lawyer, started counseling and confided in good friends. I still have a long way to go. But as the saying goes, I ain't who I'm gonna be but at least I ain't who I was. I ain't where I'm heading but at least I ain't where I was.
I know my relationship with H is over as much as it hurts to say it. I wish it was different for my kids. But he has done so much damage and he isn't sorry. He has no regrets. Even if he was sorry, i don't think he is the kind who can make the changes he needs to make. He thinks he is fine and it's all me. H is the type that has to hit rock bottom before he makes a change and honestly I don't believe he can make an honest change. He has no integrity, no character and no moral standards. I deserve better. My kids deserve better. I cannot and will not settle for less.
That being said I still grieve for what I thought I had. I honestly don't know if H is in midlife crisis or if he's just a bad person that pretended to be good for a long time?
Sometimes I wish I had a relationship so I could have someone for support but I know I'm not ready. I wonder if I will ever be ready again?
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
