Walking the path to my own happiness

[mamabird]

A little more journaling -

Yesterday the boys and I got to talking more about Daddy and me potentially splitting up. It is not a secret; the boys know that something is not right, especially since i've been sleeping in the den for 4 months.

S9 said the stress and tension in the relationship was getting to be too much, we should just get D. That our R was like a "rotten apple." Then yesterday S6 said, "Now I'm worried about my marriage." That was funny but of course not what you want to inflict on your children... So the boys are aware, and frankly, I owe them better than this. I want them to see Mommy getting the love she deserves, and I want them to know what a good R looks like.

[mamabird]

Interesting development today.

H and I got into another dust up today, starting with finances and ending with the usual. Although, he didn't accuse me of anything in this argument. It was more about him moving out and me saying it made no sense for him to move into our old house since that mortgage is covered, + 25% additional. I actually said it was stupid. It is stupid.

H said that I had no sympathy for him in his situation. That he built our house from scratch and leaving is hard. I did say I felt bad for him. I do feel bad for him, but not that bad - he has made these choices not to work on the R, and if he has to go live in an apartment now, well, that's his choice ultimately. The WAS leaves, not the other way around.

I told him I was fed up with the way he was treating me. H started to say, "You think you have it bad, you should hear this story about so and so..." and I just stopped him. I said I didn't care about anyone else's sitch - I know that I don't want to be treated this way. Period. (backbone!)

I told him I was still willing to try, so that he wouldn't have to move out.

Then I left to take the kids ice skating and he went for a bike ride and when he came back he said I could call another MC if I wanted to, with the goal of "understanding each other better." He said he still wanted to move out but it sounds like he's dropped the idea of moving back into our old house.

I guess you could call this progress... but so ironic how I don't really care that much anymore... I noticed today that he's the one kind of coming to me at the moment...

[BklynMom]

What great progress. Glad you stood up for your needs

Don't rush to got to another mc without doing research and finding a highly recommended person.

[Wendylon]

I guess you could call this progress... but so ironic how I don't really care that much anymore... I noticed today that he's the one kind of coming to me at the moment...

It is amazing how this dynamic works. It's really hard to fake it though and pretend we don't care when we do.

As you keep caring less, maybe things will carry on improving. Maybe your H will wake up. Caring wasn't working so this looks like the right path at the moment.

I do hope that 2013 brings you the peace and happiness that you are searching for, Regretful.

[mamabird]

My father wants to talk to me today and I'm dreading it because it always seems like a one-sided lecture. He said "without any corrective action you are headed for D". This is so frustrating for me because the way I see it, I have been taking all the action and H has been lying on the bed, sulking. What am I missing here?

[JuneReN]

Db is not the way people usually go about mending their marriages. They fight, kick spouses out, beg ,plead, cry etc.

So when others don't see the usual, they do not think you are trying.

I would say to dad that I am willing to work on M do what it takes but at the same time I have to not lose who I am and have to work on me if this R is going to have a chance.

I like that the den is cozier for you. Don't let H throw stuff out there to get a rise out of you.

You dropped the rope and now H is coming to you. How very interesting. We hear it over and over here but are still surprised when it happens. Good for you

[FloydMan]

RLA,
You are not missing anything. He is lying on the bed sulking because he does not know what to do. He is hurting. It is obvious both of you and your families do not want the M over. Hear your dad out. Yes it will be a one-sided lecture but that is what those close to us should do. Not always coddle and say what they think we want to hear. Tough love is good. We have also all gotten some tough love on the boards here for our sitches. We need the ‘coaching’, not coddling. Like was suggested, do some research on MC and agree on the right one…..Solutions-oriented.
Honestly if I could convince my W, I would spend the $10k and see MWD in person for a 2-day intensive. She has no interest in working it out. I wish I only had the same signs from her that your H is giving.

[mamabird]

You guys think H is giving signs... that's interesting, I just don't see it. Yes, things are a little better today - he was in a better mood and we're talking a little. But I still feel pretty much done, worn out, and am less hopeful than I was a month or two ago.

Dad said that H wanted me to be "softer". I recognize that I'm a bit of a German Shepherd sometimes and probably need to be a little more sweet. These talks are hard because H can be very slick and makes very convincing arguments to Dad... so slick that one overlooks the missing points. At least my Dad knows that now.

At the end of the day we agreed that I was doing the right thing - working on the changes, for me. And yes, definitely will pursue MC... I got the name of one who I'll call. Found another who seems good, solutions oriented but I already know H won't like him.

[FloydMan]

Yes, he is giving you plenty of signs. Stay strong. Rest up. Fatigue will make you cranky and stress makes you tired. Rest. Rest. Rest.

[mamabird]

FM, educate me. What are the signs?

I found myself thinking tonight "It doesn't matter because he doesn't love me" and realized how many times I'd had this thought before ("It" being some sort of variable). Then I realized that I'm walking around thinking that H does not love me and basing my actions on that thought - so it's no wonder that I've gotten myself into all kinds of trouble. I just finished reading a Byron Katie book that educates you on how to question your thinking, so I guess it sunk in to some degree.

I realize that I would characterize many of his pre-bomb "loving" actions towards me as obligation, not love. Like, he was obliged to get me a Christmas present (I guess that was post bomb). Obliged to give me his first class upgrade on a trip we took in May. Obliged to come home early from a business trip because I was recuperating from surgery. Etc. I never felt the love in any of it because he always seemed so put out by it all, but those are the examples that he brings up when he talks about how great a H he is.