Thanks Snodderly. This has been one of the worst weeks since the BD. I didn't notice her not wearing her rings until the end of the therapy session. This was the same session where she dropped the "not attracted to you for the last three years" bomb. At the end, therapist asked how I felt, and I told her "hurt, betrayed, alone". She asked W the same thing and she replied, "like crap". The therapist asked, "can you say more?" and she replied "I feel like a horrible human being". I didn't respond to that - but I thought "if the shoe fits..." For the first time, I stopped the session short and left feeling angry.
The appearance of remorse (it can't possibly be genuine remorse??) makes things that much harder. It just doesn't compute. She brushes off her affair as a "mistake" and "I'm a flawed human being". I constantly get the "I didn't mean to hurt you" while she continues to hurt me. It is like someone coming into your house, breaking a priceless vase and then saying "I didn't mean to break that". If they were a normal person, they would apologize, help fix it, promise to be more careful. With my W, its more like she says "can you clean that up, I don't like looking at it" and as I'm carefully trying to glue it back together, she knocks it over again. When I ask "why did you do that??" she replies "I just want to be happy". Yep, either horrible human being or out of her mind (or both).
Actually, two statements are constants these days. "I just want to be happy" and "I feel like I couldn't tell you my deepest darkest secret". I called BS on the latter in MC last week and asked "what IS this secret??" to which she replied there wasn't any secret and she misspoke. I said, "if you killed someone, I guarantee that I'd be the one you would tell". I wonder if this deep dark secret is her affair - of course she feels she can't tell me about that.
And "I just want to be happy" doesn't excuse ANYTHING. There are 7 billion people on the planet who also just want to be happy. It is kind of a human thing... you aren't special in that regard and you don't get a free pass because you want to be happy. Time to grow up. (I have not said this to her, but I will)
That was on Friday and I ended up in bed after shoveling snow, coming down with a cold from the stress. Combine that with depression and I was out of commission - crying, sleeping, crying, sneezing. Yesterday was my first day out of bed for any duration. Last night I cried and prayed my way through the changing of the new year. I've always felt like symbols are important, so maybe that is why the rings and all the holiday nonsense hit me so hard. I can't even tell you how glad I am that it is the Jan 2nd without another holiday in sight. She's been radio silent through all of this. I didn't reach out to her around NYE and nothing from her.
What a mess I am right now... and I felt like I was doing so well. I guess I was fooling myself. I feel like I keep bouncing back and forth between feeling sad and angry today - the anger is new. I need to get the focus back on me. I am working on that starting tomorrow.
____________________________ "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Me:39 WAW:38 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker:9/24, ILYBINILWY, S:9/25 EA/PA on hold? (probably not), MC 9/30-now
