Labug, Tori, and Wendy. Thank you each for your support. Logically I know S is not the answer. My emotions were so out of control and that's why I ended up there. Definitely need to reassess alcohol's role in my life. By that, reduce if not remove. Sort of kind of Journaling. Hopefully W is just reacting to last night. Hopefully it's possible to make amends. For her wounds to heal. I'm a little more even kealed now, despite the overwhelming lost sensation. During the convo where W said she's done, I at least maintained and didn't beg or plead. I didn't react with anger. I tried to listen to those horrible words of being "done" and how she said she did meet with an L, our need to fix the house up to make it sellable; and how she is numb towards me and any chance of a R is dead. I know I said horrible things and that I'm not a horrible person. Maybe she will see that, doubtful though. Now to try and fix myself some more. Any good book / resource ideas?
I'm new here but from what I've seen in this thread so far, you strike me as a very conscientious and dedicated DBer. Hold onto that and remember the progress that you've made in improving yourself. From what you say, your W has seen the changes you've made and has responded to them. Even after this setback you can still continue your path. Keep it up and choose to be the amazing person your W would be foolish to leave. Good luck, and reach out to your support network. You can do it.
M33, W35 T: 8 years, M: 6 years S6, S3 9/2012 "I need space" 10/2012 "I want to separated", "ILYBINILWY" OM, EA likely PA 11/2012 "I don't see hope for our M" 12/2012 I begin GAL & 180s
Reading other threads makes me feel worse. I created my own mess. Not looking for a pity party, nor I am trying to beat myself up too much. Just the struggle of being a fixer and this is something I can't "fix".
Afa sending you hugs and love. Focus on you now. I agree with wendylon get yourself in balance first and foremost. only then can you deal with the rest. As it is said - put the oxygen mask on you first.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I don't know what you said to your W, but I'm guessing it had to do with the OM. A are really tough to overcome, Andrew. The process takes years...This is why so many A lead to D.
Get the Wayne Dyer books: Inspiration, the Power of Intention, Excuses Begone, and Wishes Fulfilled. Wayne's wisdom has really helped me get through my own mess.
My name is Tumbling and I am a "fixer" too :-D :-(
Sorry to read about the outcome of your outburst but you know what? I don't blame you and don't suppose any one else here does either. Yes, you lost control of your Self for a moment but we LBSs have to keep everything in so tight/together that sometimes the lid comes off - whether alcohol is involved or not.
I know this won't help much but just so you know - noticing that you really can't fix/control sitch/W will: - make you feel sad (but we LOVELY folk are all here for you) - make you question what you're doing (and only you can ansa that one) - leave you concentrating on the only thing you can take care of - you - enable you to accept whatever happens next
Give your Self some time to put Afa back together Explore with IC what you are feeling deep inside Let W do whatever she does - try not to panic/question her - easier said than done, I know and PLEASE FORGIVE YOUR SELF x
Thank you all for such kind words and support. Journaling... Ironic that most of you, and a few people I know in real life, have not condoned my outburst, yet are framing in a positive way that at least I got it all out (for now). As far as things I said to W, pretty much verbally attacked her because of OM and just about every aspect of her as a person. Part of the convo where she is "done," she still stands by it not being an A. Oh well, that's not all the important at this point. I'm in a rather somber mood. I went to bed early. Kept waking up throughout the night / early morning. W did ask if I was okay in the SI sense before she went to bed. She must have came back to check on me, as I fell asleep with a book on my chest and the lights on. They were turned off. She was clearly distant last night / civil at best (understandable), and was civil before leaving for work. A few "nice" gesture here and there.
How / where do I go from here? I truly am sorry for what I said and how I acted. I do not want to walk in shame, yet still have lots of guilt and embarrassment for berating her (not to mention the huge setback / sealing the deal for a D). THe SILS are watching S2 today. I genuinely apologized to them. Should I "Act as If"? I don't want to seem disengenuinenss? Do I need to go dim again? My stomach has the horrible empty feeling of being back at square 1. I'm trying to listen to it to see what it says. Lots of sorrow, self anger / resentment, I do think I finally get her "terrified" comments. Where / how to begin TRULY working on that. Struggling with the self-forgiveness (as evidenced by all the guilt I'm holding on to).
Any additional guidance / words of wisdom to help me get back on the saddle again would be GREATLY appreciated.
