ILYBINILWY

[mamabird]

Hi CV,
Happy New Year!

I'm working on getting through this thread - it's pretty dense, but as I read, I keep thinking about how much I sympathize with you. And I am the LBS, technically. But I feel like the WAS much of the time. So much of what you're saying about your H rings true for me - the feeling of his messy office being a sign of disrespect towards you, for example. I get that. I'm sure he doesn't mean it like that, but I get it.

My big take away is this: your H is not going to change his habits. He's not going to be neat and tidy, he's not going to be less lazy, he's not going to be less obnoxious. This is the man you married.

The key now, for you, is to figure out how to deal with that.

I recently finished a Byron Katie book - "I Need Your Love - Is that True?" Her work centers on changing thoughts which leads to changing feelings. She has another book called "Loving What Is." I think something like that might help you. It's focused on accepting reality as it is and changing thought patterns. Could you imagine loving your H's messy office because it's part of the man you love? I can't either, but that's what her work is trying to do. Her work would have you say this:

H is disrespecting me because he can't clean up his office.

Then you ask 4 questions:
- Is that true?
- How can I know it's absolutely true? (if so)
- How do I react when I hold that thought as true?
- What would my life be like if I let go of that thought?

Then - you turn it around - part of this I don't really get, but it would go something like:
- H is disrespecting H because he can't clean up his office.
- I am disrespecting H by judging his messy office.
- I am disrespecting me by focusing on H's messy office.

Another piece of advice: my therapist told me to make 2 lists for my relationships: one is the "non-negotiables" and the other is the "nice to haves". If there's anything in your M on the non-negotiable list (in my case, emotional abuse), then you've got some hard decisions to make. If not, maybe there's a way to live with what you've got.

I really do feel for you CV. That feeling of banging your head against a wall isn't fun. But I do ask myself frequently why you haven't left yet.