I have to admit I can't make heads or tails of your wife's behavior and how you report it. It's like something is missing. Is there anything remarkable in your history that you've left out?
Was your relationship always this way?
When did things start to distance?
How long have they been distant?
I can't think of anything notable left out. No EAs or PAs or financial problems or in-law trouble or work demands or any other crises except for the medical issues with S and parent.
I'd say distancing started around the time child #2 arrived. Being a conflict avoider as well as rather indecisive, I settled into a pattern of following her lead, something she's never had an issue with. We'd talk, but not about our feelings or relationship. When I first mentioned this in that initial late-night talk about 6 weeks ago, she wondered what we needed to talk about since she already knew my thoughts on religion and politics.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
Originally Posted By: banjopicker
Then she pushes my arm away, says I can't touch her. She'd started to cry. Says something like "I like it, but I feel too close to you, so I can't get close to you or I'll cry all day."
What does this mean to you? I've been thinking about this for a couple days and I still can't make any sense out of it at all.
Something like that could be explained by a deep sense of guilt, like she's betrayed you, hasn't told you, but is having a hard time living with herself, and allowing you to comfort her triggers her guilt. That's wild speculation on my part, I'm interested in how you interpret it and how new this behavior is, when it started, etc.
The only guilt I can see is the smoking, which she does feel deeply. But I don't think that's it. She's the rock of her family. Her parents and her one aunt defer to her and seek her advice. She's the head of our household. Most people she's in contact with value her opinion. Even several of the many doctors S has seen have acknowledged she was right and now defer to her in many things.
I think the sense of responsibility she has for so many of us prevents her from letting go because 1) she won't be able to get all the things done she wants to do; and 2) she won't be able to put on the brave face and be the rock of stability to support others.
It's new behavior, recent weeks. But then, like I said, we haven't talked about feelings or relationship much in many years. So maybe it's more my awareness that's new in recent weeks. Come to think of it, she did mention her last major uptake in smoking was a few years back during one of S's medical crises. She said she was so sad but she didn't want to tell me about it and make me sad. So she smoked, and kept it inside. I imagine that's the same thing as now, except this time I'm asking about it and offering more.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
Make sure not to lose sight of the marriage you want in trying to deliver what she needs. If it's not a win/win it won't last.
Yes, living on scraps isn't a good long-term plan. But I'm okay with during this extraordinary period of grief. As the poster after you says, I've got to help her through that, and that means the focus is on her for now.
Thanks for your comments, Accuray. They help me think through this.
