My H just left. Guess what. I did it. I took the opportunity and asked about the whole confusion thing. He mentioned how his buddy from work had said that by spending time with me, he was giving me hope, and then he said that this wasn't his intention. I let it go for the rest of the comedy show, but on the way back, I brought it up. I said that I wanted to make sure we weren't rushing into something that we were not 100% sure about, and that when I wasn't sure about doing something, I just waited and didn't do it.
So he opened up and said that although in paper I am "perfect" he still wants to get out and date more women. Said he dated someone back in April (when he told me he wanted a D) but didn't work out, and that I was at a completely different level compared to this woman (smarter, kinder, more thoughtful.) However, he felt he wasn't ready to settle down with anyone or to have kids. He wanted to be free and date casually. He said the problem is that most women wanted to eventually become serious, and that he might be open to that if he met the right person. Said he has dated briefly but keeps comparing them to me. Said he is not saying that we might not end up together again in the future but didn't want me to even consider that but also date other people and assume we are over. He said right now is not the time for us, and that he wants to get through the D. That when he filed the papers is bc he had made his decision. He wants to keep the friendship at level 3 and apologized for doing things that were beyond level 3. He said he felt comfortable around me and that it was weird to be divorcing someone he felt good being with and liked so much. He asked me if we were f'ed up.
He did say he had imagined us getting back together but that he preferred starting fresh and he couldn't start fresh with me. He said he had bad memories from the past and wondered if it would be different this time and maybe it would be good, but he still needed to get out and do his exploring. He said he felt terrible about saying that he would just be comparing women to me and hoped to try to get back together with me if he could not find that person. He said he wasn't looking for someone better but for someone who would fill his needs, and one of those needs was to never be alone. He repeated he felt alone late at night bc I went to bed by 10:30 PM. That he could've gone to bed too but didn't. He talked about the OW and how there was something "Special" about her and how there had been a connection but now he was not interested in her at all.
I remained calmed and composed. I think it was really hard for him to say the things he said (I can read his body language very well) and maybe he will disappear for a while...but I am glad I brought up the subject. We'll see what he does. But now I'm clear we have to go through the D. Even if the L gets us one more month, my H wants out. I don't see him changing his mind. I feel kind of numb. A little like I don't understand. I've read other sitch's on this board in which the S's act loving and interested but they still want a D. I think my H is one of them.
So I guess maybe this reality will hit me tomorrow. For now, I only wanted to let you guys know what happened. Not the best way to start the new year, but what can I do.
Any thoughts? I will continue GAL'ing and improving myself. I will still ask the L if I can avoid going to the court altogether. I will still ask for extra time just for me. Nothing else I can do but this and let my H go on his own journey of self-discovery.
