Welp.. in a couple hours - 2012 will be over and it will be a new year.
I've been through so much in the past year. I can't believe how things have changed.
It's funny - there has been alot of hardship the past year, ALOT of tears. Times where my patience was tried.. Moments where I thought I was going to break...
... but now with the end of year approaching... all that really comes to mind is really how powerful love can be.
It kinda seems like an oxymoron seeing that I feel that even though I spent most of last year going through a Divorce.
But my life has drastically changed. The sadness has lessened. I laugh more.
I wish I could remember when I stopped acting as if - and it became my truth.
I wish I knew exactly when my heart changed.
Maybe it could help people on the boards. Maybe I would stop getting the "weirdo" look when I advice people to just love... lol.
But it's really the only thing that can explain the past year. I loved as best as I could and I appreciated the love from others in return (whether from friends or strangers) and really awesome things happened.
As for 2013, I have created some new goals. My focus is really in two areas.
1. - to shed the remaining layers of what was my marriage. That includes moving from my little apartment into something bigger and getting a new car. Both are reminders of what I had to SURVIVE... now I'm ready to THRIVE.
2 - To continue to learn HOW to love. For most of my life, it's been pretty one-dimensional for me.. but now I'm learning about detaching with love, tough love, graceful love and compassionate love. My absolute favorite has been to pay attention to people's LL and to fill it. It's not always easy but it has deepened my relationship with friends and family. Heck - it's even helped my work.
Of course I have other things - skydiving, learning a new language, learning electro - swing.. oh and dating
In the end, I am the author of my own story and if I want it to be a good book, I have the power to do so.
And to steal from 25 - It ain't easy, but it's simple. Some of the best given that I've been given and my new saying for 2013.
Happy New Years Everyone! Hope you GAL the sh!t out of next year and that you write your own "best seller"
xoxo
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Last night with my family.. I did it.. I survived 24 days.
Since the BD, I have spent almost 10 wks at home. I probably didn't average 10 weeks in the 10 yrs previous to that. Each time has been bitter sweet. There is always pain that comes with the journey, but what I learn is always amazing.
After 21 yrs, I can finally say that I can go home and enjoy my father's company. I won't go as far as to say that I have forgiven him for all he has done, but my heart has shifted. We had a little bit of a fight.. but I took the first step to open up to communication and he opened up towards me. I've always waited for HIM to take the first step.... but in the end.. it didn't matter WHO took the first step.. only that we both took one.
We will see how this progresses. My heart is still very guarded.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Remaining open leaves one a little vulnerable. It is natural to protect a bit. Use the shield, sheath the sword and minimize expectations negative and positive.
Kudos for taking the 1st step toward your father.
24 days was a long time in an enviorment that has been toxic, but as you said there was learning and this means growth. I'll wager it was not one sided.
((((Val))))
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
As I take space from a few loved ones to figure out the thoughts in my heart - I can't help but think about when my x decided to take space from me.
In my case - I felt I needed to guard my heart.. but truth be told - it's awkward and hard to deal with. Never knowing the intentions behind things. Not knowing what to say or do.....
... it's a hard situation, and its FAR easier to run.
X had mentioned that to me and that us hanging out was awkward for her. Makes total sense now 2 years later.
How do you be "friends" with your x? It feels impossible at this time. Until there is true forgiveness, true healing, and until maybe the feelings are gone?
I don't know the answer to this question.
In one weird way - I can now understand my x's actions.....
... but it didn't stop me from hurting like hell.
It didn't stop me from believing that we could have worked out a way to be in each other's lives...
... but I could be wrong.
So bringing this back to my friendship - I am seriously at a lost. In one way, I feel that detaching has helped our friendship. Although hurt by my actions, there has been tremendous growth on his part and mine.
I've learned to not be emotionally dependent on someone. I've learned to deal with my own feelings and look inward to get myself out of a slump. I no longer look to others to feel worthy - I know I am.
But at the same time I wonder if it's better (not easier) to just wrestle through it. To fight for him as someone I care about.
Or maybe I just want to fight so I'm not like her. Maybe this is my attempt to reject a possibility for understanding and forgiveness on my end.
Maybe it's because I fear that if I forgive.. there is no epic change in my own life. I think somewhere along the line I have attached expectations to even my forgiveness of her.
Urg.. well that's frustrating.
Sorry for the ramblings..
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Maybe it's because I fear that if I forgive.. there is no epic change in my own life. I think somewhere along the line I have attached expectations to even my forgiveness of her.
Hey Val! Your comment above is puzzling to me. Maybe forgiveness is exactly the change you need. How long will you carry that burden? How long before the load becomes so heavy that it starts to affect other areas of your life?
You are a very insightful person. You really have a great capacity for digging deep within to find your truth. Just don't go digging so deep that you completely miss the vein of gold that is your path to renewal.
Oh, and happy new year!!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Thanks guys.. I had to go back and re-read what I wrote in order to answer your questions.
@2tp - it's always good to hear from you. When you get a chance - would love to here an update.
My forgiveness of my xw is a process for me. I hope it doesn't last too long but I have no idea when the journey will be over. I know that there is still a part of my heart that wants to punish her for what she did and thinks that she doesn't deserve my forgiveness. Although I HATE that part of me.. to deny that it's there would be untruthful. So I'm aware that it exists.. work on it.. and hold myself accountable that the dark part doesn't seep into my actions or other parts of my life.
Because I truly want to forgive.. and I truly believe we BOTH deserve it.... but my heart is still pretty hurt so it's getting in the way at the moment with expectations that she will different or that our relationship will be different today....
... those expectations need to go... but it will take awhile. Not just because of my marriage.. but because I am a co-dependent who tends to chose partners that I want to fix and/or likes to put ME down because they don't like themselves. I am constantly relearning, re-tooling, re-thinking.. and I can't expect to erase 28 years of habit in just two.
I hope that makes sense.
@Gabby - I don't necessarily want to be her friend so bad... but I do miss her. We shared ALOT of laughter and it seems silly to let 10 yrs go to waste.
When I got married, I had a falling out with my best friend who chose to go on vacation vs. come to my wedding. At the time we had been friends for over 15 yrs... and none of my family would come so I felt I had no one one. We didn't chat for a few years.
One day - I just woke up and my heart was healed.. so I called her and we chatted and made amends. Although the years apart were necessary - I am so thankful I made the call.
It's the same thing with my father - I don't know what changed - but I forgave him when I was home this past December. Some may argue that I have PLENTY to be pissed about.. but there was a peace that came over me.. and it doesn't matter any more.
He will never be a great man.. or a nice man. But he is a man that came from a very roughup childhood and although I do not like his decisions.. my heart breaks for him and I would rather spend my time trying to show him how to have a healthy relationship with me.. than condemning him for not knowing how or being too scared to take the first step and forgive himself.
So for ME - there is a peace that comes with forgiveness. There is a lack of need that the person needs to change or even apologize. There is no name calling. And when that person does act in a negative way - my heart breaks for them INSTEAD of getting angry.
That's what forgiveness looks like to me. That is how God wants me to forgive.. and I know I'm not there yet.
And my whole thing for 2013 is that if I want change - it has to start with me!! I have to lead here or be the example. I have to reach for the stars or go through the fire..
My emotions, my thoughts, my actions are 100% my control.. so if I want to be loved or to be forgiven.. if I want to be treated kindly or with respect. I have to give it first.
It just doesn't work any other way for me.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I am fascinated by forgiveness because even tho I learned about forgiveness at church many years ago, it was never something I saw practiced in my home. My mom was more of a "one strike" person-no way did we get 3.
We also didn't forgive others, the world was pretty much divided into 2 categories: good and bad. We liked the good people (until they did something to rate their fall to the bad category), we didn't like the bad people. Bad people never got rated up.
If I was "good" I got love, if I wasn't, I didn't.
When I first started seeing my IC, I sheepishly told her of my guilty pleasure-the TV show Intervention. I was fascinated by the notion that the families of the addicts, even after all the pain and heartache caused by the addiction, could still love. Yes, there is much more involved in the process but that's the part that kept me watching. Was that level of forgiveness really possible? Do people really do that? Can love be that big?
I found a blog last week that also fascinates me. The way I found it was so random-I was listening to a comedian on the radio who was talking about his FIL who is in prison in Texas for attempted murder and I thought "what a unusual thing to use in a comedy act" and had to find out the back story.
Through the power of google, I found that it's a true story and that the comedian's wife is a story-teller, writer and PR person for comedians. She has a blog and I began reading because there again was that concept of forgiveness. How do you forgive and have a R with someone who has attempted to take the life of another human being?
Her story is much bigger than having a father in prison for attempted murder, as we might guess. Both her parents are deaf. I have a brother who is deaf, another connection. I know that deaf children often face terrible bullying, even more so in the era when this father was growing up in small town Texas. How did that shape his future?
In her childhood there was abuse, neglect, abject poverty but she is working on forgiveness and creating a life that is full of laughter and light. I'm fascinated. Can love really be that big?
She has a book "Burn Down the Ground" which I've requested from the library.
I'm just now beginning to recognize the power of forgiveness in my life. I need all the role models I can find.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I too want to find forgiveness for W (and even OW) but am finding it difficult.
I find myself confused by both anger and forgiveness.
When I think I am feeling forgiving toward W, I find myself feeling more vulnerable and also missing her more. Perhaps what I am feeling is not true forgiveness, which should set her free, but a way to make allowances for her based on her past. I think my CO-D mucks it up.
When I feel angry, it is easier for me to separate myself from W, but then I don't feel good inside being angry.
My family was like yours Bug with a lot of emotional cut-off when people "hurt" us.
I hope that both of you will keep posting here. Val, I too have found that peace you describe with forgiving in so many other relationships and would like to find it with W.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
@Bug - I won't go on a tangent.. but I love hearing those kind of stories. I really do believe Love is superpoweful. I wish people chose it more often.
@NG - I went through that time of confusion too. What's interesting is that when I stopped focusing on it so much and started having faith that it would happen in it's own time... I started to heal.
It's crazy to think that my D will be final in 3 weeks. These 6 months went by so fast and I've grown so much even in that short period of time. Even though there is still technically 3 more days.. this is the 1st month that I haven't cried about her or my sitch.
I actually find myself choosing to stay home and hang out vs. go out with friends. I find myself opening up to the possibility of talking to new women vs. fearing that because I didn't have that "instant spark" with them like I did her.. it's not right.
He!! I'm even starting to gain back some of the weight I lost from the bomb. (against MY wishes!!!!!)
I'm sure that I've already said that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.. but I think I'm beginning to feel the sun on my face as well.
It feels pretty d@mn good.
I'm a couple steps ahead.. so have faith. You'll be here soon enough!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
