I'm sorry about the double-whammy of a holiday AND anniversary hitting you...that has to really hurt.
Going back to the anger bit, you just have to let him burn it out. They are all full of anger about, well, just about any/everything in life...and we, unfortunately, get the brunt and blame. Ironically, they somehow feel safest taking it out on us due to the M history, the proven record of trust, it seems...My W would get in these rages, then they would subside, then come on again...and she was/is still in the house, so not a pleasant time for the kids and I. Slowly she burned the anger out, it just takes time for them to express it enough and feel it enough to begin to figure out the reality of its origin, and then what to do about it (hopefully). Hope that helps some.
All you can "do" about H right now is put on your detached, dispassionate scientist hat and look at this mlc stuff as some crazy mad squishy social science experiment or something...well, that's what I did and it helped me not go bonkers myself after I worked myself up into a bleeding ulcer about this time last year...
You are logical, identified the issue, have done the research, can analyze H, you, your R (though watch this, it's a time sink, trust me, I am so guilty of that) and have a plan. Applaud yourself, you got right to the chase very quickly...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks T. We nerds rock, don't we? I appreciate your insight and sympathy.
He has not shown much in the anger department thankfully. It was me that was feeling upset and angry and I know I will have episodes now and again. My scientist hat is on (along with my lab coat and lab goggles) as I over-analyze everything. I know deep in my heart that this is not about me and it's ALL about him. I didn't break him, so I can't fix him. My favorite musician is Sting, so I take his advice-if you love someone, set them free.
Happy New Year!!
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in your hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
Very brief update...H dropped off the kids this evening and I touched him on the arm and said quietly, "happy new year" and he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and said, "happy new year" back to me. The kiss thing threw me off...I wasn't expecting that. I'm not looking any deeper into it than just a friendly thing, as we have always been affectionate like that with our friends. However, it was unexpected and somehow worth mentioning.
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in your hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
Ah, so you DON'T have the bubonic plague! Just file that kiss away as a "little thing" for now, after enjoying it for what it was. Given enough time, you will see and hear things that tell you what is going on, a little bit. After over analyzing my sitch, I have found that there is, actually, though completely without logic, a "method to the madness". I guess if I can find a method, somehow that makes it less capricious, though it's not, oh, idk...<gak>
When I posted about anger, it was a response to this:
Quote:
He did mention in the most recent "discussion" that his anger had finally just simmered down to the point where he could talk about things. I'm not sure what that means exactly and honestly, I'm not really looking into it.
About your anger, it will begin to lessen over time, and you have already identified the root of it:
Quote:
I know I should expect this but the blow to my ego is still very real and it [censored]. Just when I think I'm doing well and then crap like this happens. Sigh.
That took my a while to get, and resolve, getting my protector ego under control. That's where the anger, resentment, FEAR resides, imo.
Hang in there!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Duh. Yes. The anger only rears its head when we talk about our R, which is not often at all. He doesn't bring it up and I will NOT again (it was a foolish mistake in both cases).
Apparently yes, I do not have the plague! It was sweet and a reminder of the H I used to know rather than the Monster that has taken over. I keep reminding myself that I am the lighthouse and that I am doing all of this for ME. If he comes around, it will take some serious time and effort on his part and I know I cannot push him. This whole thing has been a huge blow to my ego and pride, in part because (like so many of us here), I thought I had the 'perfect' marriage. I feel like such a fool for believing it.
And regarding the ego, it's somehow worse when your friends tell you that "he's an idiot" or "he's making a huge mistake". I know it's not my fault, but you can't help but feel a little like a failure when he walks out and everyone else thinks he's making the largest mistake of his life. If I can play the role of Narcissus for a moment, I am a catch. I'm smart, pretty, funny, I have a good education, a fantastic well-paying job and two beautiful kids. And it really hurts that he thinks that there's something wrong with me and feels the need to walk away. My head knows that it's him but my heart is still shattered into a million pieces.
Have I mentioned that I am ready for 2012 to be over? Good riddance to the worst year of my life!
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in your hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
GG, The anger will come out to play whenever there are discussions about the relationship or if you were to ask him to return home. MLCers do not like to have relationship discussions and the anger is their way to get us to back off.
His crisis is not about you or your relationship. It's about him and his childhood issues. Some time ago, he was stunted emotionally and he's never recovered from it. He wasn't validated, nor did he received affirmation/recongition for the things he did as a child. Those issues are what has come out to play now and he needs to meet those demons head on, resolve them and accept that he was not to blame for whatever transpired when he was a little boy.
It's not you...it's him. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. God and your h are the only ones that can heal him and make him a whole, mature man.
Please do not take on the stinking thinking that there is anything wrong w/you because there isn't. Please take care of yourself.
May the new year be a better one for you and your family.
Happy New Year!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, H was adopted at birth but was not told until he was 9. He says he was ok with it and has never 'felt like he was adopted' but maybe that's rearing its ugly head. He has never made any attempt to directly contact his birth parents but has put his information on several adoption triad websites with no responses. He had learning disabilities while growing up (which he thinks may be in part to drowning in the family pool at age two) and actually wasn't even able to graduate with his high school class because he failed math. He had to go to summer school at another high school to get his math credit to finish and get his diploma. Does he have demons? I'd say a resounding YES. And those are just the ones I know about.
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in your hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
I hurt tonight too. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. Sorry, though, you feel sad. I remember thinking getting through the anniversary will be impossible, then it was the girls' birthdays, then Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm still standing... could prob use a cane or walker, but still STANDING.
Thinkin of you Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I'm counting on Lucky 13...2013, that is. Whether it works out between H and me or not, the world is my oyster. I will survive and thrive...all the firsts are hard to get through. Next year I am convinced I will be kissed at midnight by someone other than my dog. lol...
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in your hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
