I'm struggling with not wanting to do anything with H, because I fear he'll ruin it for me. I'm afraid it will become all about him again, even if it was my idea in the first place. I feel very protective of me/mine and consider H a high risk to "my world." That's HIS contribution to the problem.
At the same time, I have my contribution to the problem as well. I own my past issue of over-giving and over-extending myself on his behalf. I definitely don't want to go there again, but I need to work on a middle ground.
These thoughts are manifesting in my distancing from H and "hiding" my interests. For example, I want to start a cardio workout program tomorrow, but I'm looking at when I can do it that H is not around because I think he'd want to join me. I don't have a desire for him to join me, but I'm trying to adjust my automatic defense mechanism and ask, realistically, what can he do to mess it up for me?
Plus, if I care for H, which I believe I do (and which is actually driving the re-thinking,) I should want to encourage him to do it, even if and maybe especially if that means he'll follow my lead.
So I'm going to put together my plan without purposely avoiding H's presence. If he joins me, I'm going to make absolutely sure that I stay on track with my plan and not let him distract me. If I own that responsibility, then I can't blame him later on. It will be MY fault, not his.
