Thank you, FY, Wendylon, and Andrew! My H just left for his tennis match. I had lunch with him, and when he mentioned he wasn't motivated at work, I asked why. In the past, I kind of dismissed what he said, but today I asked questions and listened. He went on for 20 minutes about his latest work project.
His work from home session ended up being just checking emails and saying he didn't want to work anymore, so why didn't we listen to music instead. He showed me some videos he likes, and pix of his work buddy (the one who lives next to him.) We played ping pong again, and then he showed me his latest moves at online bridge. All of this (except the ping pong) while holding me close (always his initiative.) I sang some Pink songs for him--he thought the lyrics were made up :-)
So yeah, I'm kind of shocked at his behavior. It's hard not to get excited about it. I keep reminding myself that this is good and to enjoy the moment without expectations about the future.
Best wishes to you too. I feel so blessed to have you all in my life.
PS> FY. Thank you for your answer to Q2. I will show him I can handle the not-so-good stuff and continue being happy and calm.
My H just left. Guess what. I did it. I took the opportunity and asked about the whole confusion thing. He mentioned how his buddy from work had said that by spending time with me, he was giving me hope, and then he said that this wasn't his intention. I let it go for the rest of the comedy show, but on the way back, I brought it up. I said that I wanted to make sure we weren't rushing into something that we were not 100% sure about, and that when I wasn't sure about doing something, I just waited and didn't do it.
So he opened up and said that although in paper I am "perfect" he still wants to get out and date more women. Said he dated someone back in April (when he told me he wanted a D) but didn't work out, and that I was at a completely different level compared to this woman (smarter, kinder, more thoughtful.) However, he felt he wasn't ready to settle down with anyone or to have kids. He wanted to be free and date casually. He said the problem is that most women wanted to eventually become serious, and that he might be open to that if he met the right person. Said he has dated briefly but keeps comparing them to me. Said he is not saying that we might not end up together again in the future but didn't want me to even consider that but also date other people and assume we are over. He said right now is not the time for us, and that he wants to get through the D. That when he filed the papers is bc he had made his decision. He wants to keep the friendship at level 3 and apologized for doing things that were beyond level 3. He said he felt comfortable around me and that it was weird to be divorcing someone he felt good being with and liked so much. He asked me if we were f'ed up.
He did say he had imagined us getting back together but that he preferred starting fresh and he couldn't start fresh with me. He said he had bad memories from the past and wondered if it would be different this time and maybe it would be good, but he still needed to get out and do his exploring. He said he felt terrible about saying that he would just be comparing women to me and hoped to try to get back together with me if he could not find that person. He said he wasn't looking for someone better but for someone who would fill his needs, and one of those needs was to never be alone. He repeated he felt alone late at night bc I went to bed by 10:30 PM. That he could've gone to bed too but didn't. He talked about the OW and how there was something "Special" about her and how there had been a connection but now he was not interested in her at all.
I remained calmed and composed. I think it was really hard for him to say the things he said (I can read his body language very well) and maybe he will disappear for a while...but I am glad I brought up the subject. We'll see what he does. But now I'm clear we have to go through the D. Even if the L gets us one more month, my H wants out. I don't see him changing his mind. I feel kind of numb. A little like I don't understand. I've read other sitch's on this board in which the S's act loving and interested but they still want a D. I think my H is one of them.
So I guess maybe this reality will hit me tomorrow. For now, I only wanted to let you guys know what happened. Not the best way to start the new year, but what can I do.
Any thoughts? I will continue GAL'ing and improving myself. I will still ask the L if I can avoid going to the court altogether. I will still ask for extra time just for me. Nothing else I can do but this and let my H go on his own journey of self-discovery.
Any thoughts? I will continue GAL'ing and improving myself. I will still ask the L if I can avoid going to the court altogether. I will still ask for extra time just for me. Nothing else I can do but this and let my H go on his own journey of self-discovery.
Sigh.
First of all I want to say you did really well. You addressed the "confusion" subject, which is good.. if you didn't you may have been plagued with regrets later. You also remained calm and composed. Great job!
Unless you want to remain best friends as he moves on to other women, you need to pull back. Be less accessible. Let him see what life without you will be like. You already know that being "perfect on paper" isn't enough in his mind right now... he has to see reality for himself. Let him.
Always remember you are the catch of the day.
If you do this, and get the L to extend the D, you still have a shot.
Don't worry about losing him as a friend... even those in hostile divorces often end up being friendly once a little time has gone by. Stay strong, you can do this!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thank you, FY. I haven't been able to sleep, so thank you for your words of encouragement.
I will pull back. I agree it's what I need to do. I still haven't been able to detach, which hasn't been good for me and my emotional health. I will make this my first priority. And I think (at least right now) that what's best for me is to actually move on and focus on my own life and meeting another man to share my life with. We'll see how I feel tomorrow (when I'm more rested) but this is what I feel like doing now. I love my H, but I deserve better. A lot better.
Will try to go back to bed now. Your post really helped, FY. Thank you.
Thank you, Labug. I don't feel numb anymore, just sad, and tired.
No, I don't want to be in the fallback position. When (if) he wants to get our R back, I will probably be emotionally gone. But he wants to take the risk, so I'll let him.
It also grosses me out to think about him dating all these women, especially the one back in April, when he first said he was ready to move on. Now I know why he said he was ready to "move on"...he was already with this new woman. And when they broke up in June, that's when he approached me again--we had that period of closeness in July and August before his declaration in September that he had filed. So I thought his change was driven by my DBing but it was all bc of his breakup with whoever this woman is.
He acknowledged he can't be alone, which is something he told me in the past. He says that's the reason he called me to come over on Xmas Eve. He says he's constantly surrounded by people and somehow can not tolerate being alone. In the past he told me he needed someone right by his side as he fell asleep, holding his hand. When I said this to the coach, she said my H had problems that were beyond our M and me. That these issues would need to be addressed in the future, but that this didn't have anything to do with me. Does this make me feel better about the whole sitch? No. I still feel pretty low. But all I can control is the present and what I will do with my life from now on. I will continue GALing and will consider dating if I meet someone who I might be interested in. Using my H's own terms, I need to "move on."
At least you know what his thoughts are, my h is probably thinking the same but won't tell me where he's at. He left a year ago but still comes over every day,would like to know why.maybe it's just to keep me from d ing him as he would stand to lose a bundle and it would be way too complicated. I see from your comments it is giving me false hope,that he really doesn't want to be here at all. I asked him if he was having sex with anyone and he said no ,which I'm sure is a lie,can't see him going that long without sex.he gives me a big hug and kiss every time he leaves which is why I am hopeful,just don't know why he won't come back.
