Well, as the saying goes, tomorrow is another day.
Following his tantrum yesterday, and my failure to answer his slew of one-line emails, stbx showed up at our house this morning.
This followed a call he made to the home phone - which S14 answered (for some reason, stbx is using the home phone instead of mobiles now). Stbx asked him to go to grandma's with him, but S14 refused.
Stbx got shirty and said "Well, I'll go then, goodbye." S14 said "OK' and hung up.
Next thing we know, stbx is at the front door. After yesterday's outburst I had told him not to come over without asking permission first.
He came in and told S14 to get ready as they were going to grandma's. S14 refused and said he had just told him on the phone that he wasn't going.
Stbx answered "But you said OK at the end of the call". Argument ensued with raised voices.
I stayed out of it, but stbx came out to the back room and spat this at me before leaving: "I asked S14 what he is doing tonight (NYEve) and he says he doesn't know. Tell him he is going out with me. I will ring later." He then drove off.
I was pretty much dumbfounded, and went to talk to S14 - who said he would not go out with his father tonight.
About 15 mins later, stbx comes back to the house. When I answer door he says he tried to ring but home phone was engaged. He didn't try my mobile...WTF?
Tells S14 he can't take him out tonight as he can't get 'cover' for a shift of his business. Says they have to go out NOW. Browbeats S14 into going to dog park.
When they return, stbx is in a much better mood. He talks happily and says 'Happy New Year folks" to us both. He seems a little wistful, telling us that he will be working all night and all tomorrow (like yeah, sure).
As we do for Xmas, we have big family traditions around NY Eve that he will miss, but we don't say anything about that. I mention that i've heard there's a new puppy and a new baby in the extended family. He reports on both.
Wishes us well again and, as he is leaving, asks if I am ok with him taking the broken-down car sometime soon to see how much it will cost to be fixed.
WTF?? Our argument yesterday was based around him not wanting to pay $350 for half of the kids' school books.
This flip-flopping is really weird.
S14 asks: Why does he keep coming back here all the time? He also observes that dad seems to feel guilty after he has a big argument with us and then he's all nice again.
Not really sure what to say to S14 about this. Any ideas?
I hear ya my d's are not much in to their Mom right now they don't want to spend much time with her...I think bustarama is right though that you need to act as if you alright with this around the kids...have you? It is something I have not done...wringing my hands hoping she will come back it has made them have resentment towards there Mom and has pushed her into a corner where she now feels like she has to make a decision. W thinks I am making them against her which makes her angry towards me..not a good thing I think.
For some reason, I was struggling through NY Eve last night - I found it worse than Xmas. It was just me and S14 at home and we were going through the motions.
It really helped to come on here this morning and read your replies.
7720, I have tried to be as positive as i can about stbx around the kids. They struggle with my 'acting as if' and positive attitude to him. They ask why i just don't take him to court. They don't like their new restricted lifestyle and they want their money returned that he took from their bank accounts. They also hate the fact of OW. S14 in particular keeps asking me to 'get someone new' who will be a proper father/husband.
As in your sitch, my H believes that i have turned the kids against him. Not a thought that his own behaviour might have had an impact.
Bklyn, I'm with you: "Until they are ready to grow up, who wants these jerks?"
I think this is why I've started to feel really sad for him lately. I can't ever have him back like this - and he doesn't seem close to any change. What a wasted life, and how terribly sad that he has lost his family.
Tori, I will keep smiling. I just think to myself 'Happy as a clam'. That alone makes me grin!
Happy New Year every one. So grateful that i have this place to come to and all of your support.
Just reading Seeking Answers' thread on mlc about how/when mlcers start to have a bit of insight into what is going on.
It occurred to me that my stbx has shown a pattern of going backwards, if anything.
That is, When this all started ( at BD at least), he said he was 'so confused'.
He'd interact with us as a family and everything would seem fine and happy; we even ML.
Said he just needed 'space'.
Many times he apologised for being such a 'grumpy sh-t', saying none of this was my fault.
Referred to himself as 'a failure' and 'a scumbag'.
He cried every time he tried to talk about separating our finances and said he would always take care of me and the kids.
16 months on, and everything is my fault.
Threatening me with 'losing his goodwill' if i don't agree to settle on his undocumented proposal about our finances.
Refusing to have anything to do with me as 'we cannot interact together'.
Denying responsibility for shared costs for the children and 'forgetting' about major debts he incurred to family members.
It's as if he started out by having some insight into what he was doing, but after more than a year of living with OW, he is more firmly entrenched in replay than ever.
Is this a typical pattern, does anyone know?
Would love to hear that it's a part of hitting rock bottom that they all go through before having some real insight and understanding... my well of hope is running dry with all the nastiness I'm experiencing from him.
Just seems back-to-front to me. He's gone from having some understanding of what he's doing to being in complete denial.
NLW, H is a manipulator., you seem stuck. They will say what they need to in order to keep the most. He knows you are frail and would do anything to keep him. Time to put on the business hat. Speak to your L ASAP
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
