Finally approaching the starting line!

[swoop]

eyesopen, I just read through your journey. I wish I had the insight and control you are exhibiting. I honestly feel that if I played it as well as you have, my W and I would be back together already. With her own admittance, she expressed that she wasn't "fully done" until I started into my emotional swings of desperation. I am not sure if I should laugh or cry about that...haha

It sounds like we have some major similarities in regards to our sitch. I am wondering, what do you feel was the fundamental breakdown in your relationship? How did it progress and at what point did you really become aware of the reality of it?

[eyesopen]

Suckerpunch,

I would say that the biggest breakdown was that we lost sight of our R. We stopped spending time together. I also didn't realize how important it was for her to have her own time. I always wanted family time. Combine that with taking her for granted and not supporting her the way a man should support his wife, and you have a recipe for disaster.

Not really sure how it progressed and I wasn't aware that anything was wrong until BD.

Thank you for the kind words, although I don't think I played anything that well. I think Sandi is right on, and I am finally at a point that I am comfortable applying what she says. In the beginning when our self-esteem is shot, her advice is that last thing you want to hear. If you can find it in your heart to apply it, I think you will find your self-esteem return a lot faster than most. Not sure if that makes sense or not. Basically you will be facing your fears when you are feeling your weakest, rather than waiting until you feel strong.

[littleGTO]

Hi, eyes,

SOunds like the breakdown of our R's were for very similar reasons. ANd, if I were to guess, I think we are in good company w a lot of others on here for similar reasons.

I think in response to your thoughts about applying Sandi's rules is that we are all capable of hearing them & understanding them, but not sure that we are capable of applying them until we are ready. That's why so many of us make the same mistakes in the beginning.

When does weakness yield to strength?

I know one thing for sure, if I didn't have my kids I would be in much worse shape in terms of trying to stay strong. As the LB S you HAVE to be strong if you have kids. They need you and you need them.

Glad you see being a strong dad as important and yes, it is appealing to other women.

[eyesopen]

I am getting to the point where I just want to be done. I don't want to care anymore. I want to be ready to move on. I know that is where I need to be, it is so frustrating trying to get there.

Part of it is that I want to share my life with someone, someone to carry some of the load. Isn't that why we marry to begin with? I also know that I have to supress those feelings for being with someone until I am feeling great on my own. Just me and the kids having a blast.

I think these feelings are what is going to propel me through this next phase, which is big time GAL. What perfect timing, with the new year and all, 2013 is going to be awesome.

[swoop]

Yep, same sort of breakdown in our M. After the birth of our daughter, we focused on her, on friends, on entertaining, on business and lost any resemblence of a loving couple. We no longer held hands, no more complimenting each other, that sort of thing. That lead to distance between us, sleeping in separate rooms and basically just going on our separate paths. I look back now and think I must have been blind to not see this coming

Stay strong my friend! Better things are on the horizon for both of us. And yes, Sandi seems very wise....couldn't do it without her

[Dewayne]

I think I'd like to be "there" myself. Where I don't want to care... but I find that I still can't cross that line.

I know my wife is "sick" with depression, possible MLC ontop of a possible WAW. She does still love me, tho she doesn't say it. I actually kinda asked her to stop it. Not sure why, but o well. Back when I was really emotional.

I wished I could say "I was blind and looking back I can see I coulda saw it coming" (bad misquote lol) but.. really I can't. The only thing I really did wrong was a little lack of affection and talked mean to her once in a while. SHe didn't tell me as much as she says she did. We were having great sex. Going out all the time, to dinner and a movie. All except for this year. 2012. We wanted to build a business (haunted house) and we discussed how affection and all was going to be slowed down because we had so much work to do. Apparantly it wasn't enough. She even SAID that all these feelings didn't start until after the blowup during august.

Sounds like you're doing better. Both you and Suckerpunch. I wish you guys well.

[eyesopen]

I am starting to wonder if complete detachment from anyone I care for is possible?

How can we be unaffected by people we love? I feel like I would basically be a robot. I have learned to slow my reactions, and to respond calmly.

Maybe I just need more time, although it seems only human to be affected by others words and actions.

[adinva]

You are not understanding what detachment is. It is not the absence of caring. It is unchaining yourself from the roller coaster ride of another person's feelings. You are not responsible for another's feelings, only yours.

If she gets mad and yells, does that have to make you mad or sad? No. It is your interpretation of her behavior that dictates your feelings; it all happens in your head. You've had toddlers...did you get mad or cry when they had a tantrum? No? Did that mean you loved them any less? No - because you had an understanding of their behavior that allowed your emotions to stay separate.

A lot of us get so entangled in our romantic relationships that we start to think we are responsible for making the other person feel happy or sad, and that they are responsible for how we feel. That is not correct, and it is not healthy.

Somewhere around here there is a good article on the meaning of detachment. I don't know where, but maybe someone else will post it.

[eyesopen]

I think I am starting to understand detachment. It just seems every so often my w says something that I find myself struggling to respond in a calm manner. I get frustrated because I want her to see things my way. But at the end of the day I know that is not what a healthy r would look like.

I will get there!

[littleGTO]

Hi, eyes,
Just wanted to comment on a couple of things you said...

"Part of it is that I want to share my life with someone, someone to carry some of the load. Isn't that why we marry to begin with"

I think you are missing the boat as to WHY most people get married & it isn't to "share the load." Being a single parent IS a lot of work, but really think about why you want a partner in life. IF sharing the load is your top reason, then you aren't ready at all.

YOu are right in that you need to be okay on your own first before you will be ready for a new R. It is good you are questioning whether you really want to wait anymore.

It sounds like your W's words/actions still affect you a lot. That's okay, it's part of the process. Let yourself FEEL the feelings you have, but try not to react to them in front of your W.

That's my new goal w H--when something he does/says sets me off & rubs me the wrong way I am going to try to take a deep breath, act "as if", respond in an upbeat manner OR walk away.

ad had a great definition of detachment. Don't rush the process. It will happen for you when YOU are ready. And, it's okay that you still care.