she's a wonderful person but...

[25yearsmlc]

Mother-in-law passed away a couple days ago. W and father-in-law kept up a 24 hour vigil for about a week at the hospital, had about two dozen false alarms where they said their goodbyes, very exhausting physically and emotionally. I'm doing everything I can think of to be supportive. Big one is give lots of space, don't make demands.

Next day we're in the kitchen, alone. She's poking in the cupboard while telling me something. I pull her over, put my arm around her while she continues. I forget what it was, nothing too deep, kind of an update. Then she pushes my arm away, says I can't touch her. She'd started to cry. Says something like "I like it, but I feel too close to you, so I can't get close to you or I'll cry all day."

Today I come out of the shower, and find her still in her robe after her shower. I step over and playfully pull her robe open. She immediately pulls it shut and says no way, firm, ain't having none of that. I leave the room, don't say anything, finish in the bathroom, and head off to a computer, shut the door. She comes in shortly, says she's not in a good place right now, starts to say something again about being close to me, but can't finish. Starts to cry. I tell her I'm trying to leave her alone, but it's difficult. She agrees. I tell her to have her space, just give me a kiss now and then. She agrees, kisses.

God, this is difficult. So it boils down to this for her:

I love you, but
don't touch me,
don't talk to me about anything meaningful,
don't spend quality time with me
or I'm not going to hold it together.

excuse me but my take on this is different than some.

In my opinion, having lost a parent and experienced DEEP GRIEF

I can tell you that my libido took a nosedive for months...and my h was a pillar of support. I valued touching but not sex itself b/c it was very distracting to have thoughts of my dying father, intruding.

When HIS mother died, I was there for him. IF he wanted intimacy I'd give him a back rub without expectation of more

OR we'd ml, and I let HIM decide. He was the one in grief.

I did not make it about me. I guess for me, your timing is just horrendous.

I know you've felt neglected for a long time. Did you try to help more w/the kids, esp the sick one who isn't only your w's responsibility? Does she resent that she had to do so much while you withdrew?

your wife is probably deeply depressed. At times like this, sex can feel selfish, almost like a guilt inducing activity.

That's how this strikes me. I'd back way off b/c the last thing your wife needs now is another person making demands of her.

maybe you could touch her if she didn't feel that you'd clearly see it as foreplay, which I suspect it is.

Just give to her without expectation for now.

In a few months, you can address the other issues but like I said, I find your timing horrendously selfish.

I'm sorry. I know you've been at this awhile but now that the death has arrived,

she needs to process her loss and see you as a pillar of support NOT making demands of her...esp sexual ones, b/c they just look so...NOT "giving" at this time.

So what am I supposed to make of this? Is there such thing as an anti-love language? Sounds like that's what she wants. Is this a good thing that she feels so prone to breakdown if she begins to enter anything that looks like intimacy with me?


again, don't make this about YOU. It's about her sadness and grief.

I don't believe it's nearly as complicated as you're making it.

You want your needs met and we all understand that. WE do too. But you've chosen the time she most neglected you, as THE time to make your needs a priority and more known to her. That would normally make sense...except

Her "neglect" of you is due to her supporting YOUR sick child

and her dying parent....And now at the moment of HER DEEPEST GRIEF,

you've decided to rock the m...

How does it affect you to care for a sick child? I assume she's not the only parent helping... Do you find yourself thinking of sex more then, or less? Women react differently to sadness than men...)


So you've decided you just can't wait anymore...you want your needs met NOW.

I suspect you could end this marriage by that behavior. I suspect helping her with depression and grief is your best bet---but if you simply MUST demand more of her NOW...and know that it'll end the m,

then maybe you ought to leave and hope your next w never has to take care of anyone but you.

It's so incredibly frustrating.