when do I start piecing ?

[25yearsmlc]

Wow 25 thank you so much for that! It was not too long, I hung on every word...Today was a really tough day though, d11 kept calling me crying saying "Papa I don't think mom is coming back" and after I would calm her down I would say let me talk to your mother..who was also crying saying "I can't take this anymore..I can't see her hurting anymore...she just needs to move on this being in limbo is too hard for her" etc...I asked her if she wanted me to come take the kids tomorrow for a while and give her a break, she said no she would miss them too much---more crying from her..I took dbing advice and listened and did not say much...even though I don't like to see d11 suffer so much..I suggested that W go to D's thearapist and explain what is going on over there...that worries me a little bit because she sees W as a WAS and is not very pleased with W's actions.

your w sounds like she IS a WAW...so what's the problem? Why aren't you two telling them together? Ask the counselor HOW to tell them, and then do so....OR see my comments below


..but that is one of my drawbacks is that I can be a little controlling..
I guess everyone---what are your thoughts about keeping the children in this limbo?

I asked my MC this, and I asked my DB coach this, and they said the same thing, pretty much. As long as there is ANY hope left, don't use the word divorce. And even if you think divorce is a certainty, don't discuss it a lot too far in advance b/c THAT drags it out.

When my kids asked if we were doing to divorce, I'd say "I sure hope not, b/c I've loved your dad for a long time"...or words to that effect. Also said, "might take a time out & see how it goes".

Finally, & most importantly, I stressed what would NOT CHANGE for THEM, even if we did divorce.

If they'd remain in the same school, or neighborhood, or church, etc, THAT is what I would stress. In our case, they were NOT going to move until my oldest d graduated from high school b/c their biggest fear in terms of what they could articulate, was having to move and losing all their friends/their world.

So I'd suggest you start hammering out details for them that will STILL be there for them, mostly YOU, and their friends, etc.
Even if it means you have to drive far to go get their best friends, promise you will and then keep your promises.

Make NO promises you cannot keep.

Remember not to alienate your children from their mother, which means do NOT bad mouth her even if you are furious at her.

"Parental alienation" can cost you custody in my state and all courts frown on it...a lot.



Is it harder on them and unfair to put them through this... I want to say to W you need to ask yourself why

Don't bother asking her this^^^......it will backfire on you.

As my DB coach said, and IT'S TRUE, questions that begin with "WHY?" about "why are YOU doing this?" OR "HOW CAN YOU???" are all designed to get a defensive reaction from our spouse

b/c you're angry.

But making her feel defensive does NOT help you or the cause.

It will escalate. Stop trying to guilt her or "wake her up". I'm telling you it won't work.

Let her feel the natural consequences of her actions but do NOT point them out

it's NOT your job to "teach her a lesson" or "show her the consequences" of her choices.

As my DB coach told me, repeatedly, "LIfe does that for them".


is it that when they are here they are very happy but when they have to go over there they are very sad and count the days until they come back to me...W has been a WAW for about two years now


then she KNOWS that it's causing them pain and it's not enough to get her to stay.

I still have not heard a word from you about HER issues with YOU, except you mention, casually, that you are controlling. That's no small issue, especially if you admit it is true.


she joined a band and spent a lot of time with the band and her friends from the band...I picked up the slack thinking she just needed space...So I put all my time energy and love into my d's..and not much into making friends and basic GAL so I have a long way to go on that realm..

So begin GAL soon! It's good for your d's to see you happy and GAL b/c it teaches them to do the same.

Model for them that THEY are resposible for their happiness like YOU are responsible for yours.

Actions speak 1000x louder than words.


.the only thing I did for myself was listen to a lot of TED talks and history podcasts while cooking or cleaning. I found myself telling adults that I met, weird facts about the Monguls or the amygdala; didn't always go over so well.

ask new people about themselves...it's a Dale Carnegie tactic that works. Show genuine interest in others and they'll consider you a great conversationalist.

AND OR rent some stand up comedy films or watch some funny things. At least if you need to fill the void conversationally, you'll feel more entertaining.

Get Judy Carter's book on stand up comedy, NOT B/C you are going to do it,

but b/c it teaches you HOW to tell a joke.

Believe me, a lot of folks do NOT know how...



I was jealous of W and her male friends, she has very few female friends and I am not sure why that is I think it is a control issue for her but I don't know....

none of this ^^ ^mindreading is productive. Put a STOP sign in your mind and go elsewhere with your thoughts...


but when I would come home and see that such and such man had been hanging around I would get angry..I thought it inappropriate and she saw it as controlling...but I will get more into my flaws later...

most of this^^ was actually about HER "bad behavior" and it's not necessary to dwell on right now, if ever

It is funny that you mention the military because my father was a hard charging decorated military soldier...so we moved every 3 years I long for stability in relationships, while at the same time the other half of me is wanting change...

I totally relate. Unfortunately, my h seems to get itchy feet every few years and I think that played a part in his MLC as well. Then again, it makes moving not nearly the terrifying aspect it can be for kids. (Our kids hated moving once they got into middle school. Hence their fears when divorce was even contemplated).

I did not grow up in the military. I was part of a large family, growing up in one place. I still have friends I'm actively in touch with, from elementary school.

My h has maybe 2 friends from high school who speak yearly...very different.

But that's another story.

I hope you have some plans for tonight. There are shows you can attend w/live bands or comedy (if a band isn't your idea of fun, considering your w's interests)

or if you have the girls, use east coast time to "toast" at "midnight"...maybe play games with them as long as you can....or watch some appropriate films with them....at least now days a lot of kid's films have enough humor for the parents to enjoy too.

Good luck 77 ....your life WILL be better, when you take charge of it.