she's a wonderful person but...

[Accuray]

Banjopicker,

I have to admit I can't make heads or tails of your wife's behavior and how you report it. It's like something is missing. Is there anything remarkable in your history that you've left out?

Was your relationship always this way?

When did things start to distance?

How long have they been distant?

I relate to a lot of what you say as I often felt I was walking on eggshells around my W and would do my best to "act as if" she wasn't disappointing me when she was. She did read that disappointment, however, and started feeling like she was always a disappointment and then just stopped trying. Like you, however, once in a while things are good and it picks you up. What you have to realize, however, is that it's very hard to sustain living like that. It's like subsisting on scraps. If you've been starving for 3 days and find a half-eaten turkey leg that's still warm, you're going to feel really good about it for a while, and it's a challenge to step back and see that it's a half-eaten turkey leg, and not really what you *want*.

Then she pushes my arm away, says I can't touch her. She'd started to cry. Says something like "I like it, but I feel too close to you, so I can't get close to you or I'll cry all day."

What does this mean to you? I've been thinking about this for a couple days and I still can't make any sense out of it at all.

Something like that could be explained by a deep sense of guilt, like she's betrayed you, hasn't told you, but is having a hard time living with herself, and allowing you to comfort her triggers her guilt. That's wild speculation on my part, I'm interested in how you interpret it and how new this behavior is, when it started, etc.

Today I come out of the shower, and find her still in her robe after her shower. I step over and playfully pull her robe open. She immediately pulls it shut and says no way, firm, ain't having none of that. I leave the room, don't say anything, finish in the bathroom, and head off to a computer, shut the door. She comes in shortly, says she's not in a good place right now, starts to say something again about being close to me, but can't finish. Starts to cry. I tell her I'm trying to leave her alone, but it's difficult. She agrees. I tell her to have her space, just give me a kiss now and then. She agrees, kisses.

Men like to connect through sex. It is a common mistake for a man to try to comfort/connect with a woman by initiating sex. You are acting based on what drives you, not her. If you read "The Sex Starved Marriage" this dynamic is explained.

Unfortunately when you get to that point, 60% is probably *your* desire for connection and 40% your desire to comfort her, so there are dual agendas. You need to try to figure out how *she* likes to receive comfort and support that does not involve you just withdrawing, which is essentially giving up.

I love you, but
don't touch me,
don't talk to me about anything meaningful,
don't spend quality time with me
or I'm not going to hold it together.

Once again, seems to come from a place of guilt. What's your analysis?

Ended up kissing, embracing.

That did it. I've been out of the muck since. Had a great birthday event after all. Still haven't dug into things we need to discuss, but I'm okay with the reassurance for now.

Make sure not to lose sight of the marriage you want in trying to deliver what she needs. If it's not a win/win it won't last.

Accuray