AJ, I disagree with some on the list as well. I wonder if we would disagree with the same ones. So how do I distinguish which are true and which are not? These are points presented by an author (Dr. Stosny) and published in a popular book. I've even seen it recommended here. Doesn't it deserve some credibility? Yet if I'm going to just pick and choose anyway, I probably don't even need to finish reading the book, I can just devise my own list from the start.
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Put this another way, your H should divorce you because you won't change to suit him. I see. I doubt you meant it so absolute, but I think you're missing something here and I'm not sure how to articulate it in a way it will resonate. But basically that's a two-way street you have just brought up.
Yes, actually I did mean it so absolute. He should. Case in point - sex. I have absolutely no desire to have sex with him. We haven't touched each other in 6 months, at least. I'm certain he fully expects me to change to accommodate his desire in that area. I would completely understand if he D'd me because I know he wants sex but I neglect to oblige.
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In cases where it is just nagging all the time, some people have a tolerance level where they see the good outweigh the bad. Not that they didn't want different, but that they could tolerate those parts in favor of the beneficial parts.
This is very interesting as you put it. In other words, some people have a tolerance for their spouse's unhappiness (nagging) because they're still benefiting regardless. Like, why put oil in the engine just because the oil light has been blinking for days? Afterall, the car is still getting you to work, right? Pfagh!! Just put a piece of black electrical tape over it and you won't even see it blinking anymore.
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I wouldn't change to meet her demands.
What is the difference between a demand and a request? How does anything our spouse asks of us or we ask of them become a "demand?" We all have free choice. Stating that someone demanded something of you makes them the villain and you the victim. It's not like that. I haven't "demanded" that my H clean his office. He has chosen not to. His choice carries natural consequences, like everything in life. I'm not even sure how I would demand it of him.
I'm curious, you said, "We all must change to adapt to our surroundings. Constantly. Nobody has a choice in that." Then why did you put a stop to it when your W kept asking you to change?
There's a lot at the end of your post that I think is reflecting deeply on your sitch that I didn't quite get. I get the part about me changing and being the best person I can be, but I think we've covered that one pretty in-depth already. I agree, and I work on me all the time, but my definition of the best I can be simply might not be the same as yours or H.
