Our court date is only a couple of weeks out and W and I still haven't discussed, nor have I been served any paperwork so I decided to get off my butt and call the court today.
Turns out they didn't serve me because W's attorney told the court I would submit the paperwork. That's a load of crap because W has paperwork in hand. Anyway, the lady I talked to basically told me she didn't know what they'd do with it at court because W's attorney said I'd file, and I haven't hired an attorney or submitted anything. She suggested I call W's attorney to find out more information, but to expect they'd set the "real date" at our meeting in a few weeks.
This isn't exactly what I was hoping for because either 1) I'm going to have to sit down with W and discuss or 2) I'm going to have to hire an attorney (or both). I guess in the back of my mind I was hoping this date would just come and go.
I'm going to think on this a bit. I'd almost like to get W to agree to postpone for 3-6 months until we get the house sold, but on the other hand, that just puts me in limbo for another 3-6 months. Maybe it's time she make a decision one way or the other.
And of course, this is so dramatically different that what you'd expect given our day to day. As I told my Dad the other day, it really is like we're newlyweds. For example, I couldn't sleep last night and we ended up ML in the middle of the night. An hour later I was still up, so I got out of bed...W says "What's wrong?" I tell her I still can't sleep and she says "Do you want to crawl back in and cuddle for a bit." Of course I say, sure, I'll give it a shot She was so loving in those next 20 mins I actually did fall asleep. Then I wake up this morning and we ML again. I mean really....if this is what D is all about, then I understand why the divorce rate is so high!
Had family dinner out at our favorite restaurant last night. My D15 is in town and since she missed the cruise, W wanted to do something nice with her. It was very thoughtful of her and a good time was had by all. We even got home in time for me to watch the WAS/DAL game, which W was worried about (again, pretty thoughtful of her).
Kids are having some friends over tonight so I think we'll just help with snacks and watch a movie or two. It's snowing pretty good and I have to travel tomorrow, so seems like a good night to stay in.
I booked a trip to Jamaica for W and I the other day. I've been looking at the trip for 6 months and the deal was just too good to pass up, so I just got the insurance and booked it. It'll be W's x-mas present next year assuming we're not D'd. And if we are, I may go anyway.
I am going to discuss the D with W this week and let her know I'm hiring an attorney. With x-mas and our trip, our finances are in a bit of a mess, so I figure at a minimum, I need to let her know I'm spending more money. At that point, she can decide if she wants to discuss it, postpone it, cancel it, or whatever. I'm not going to ask her to do anything. I'm just going to assume she's going thru with it and act accordingly.
Planned on having the D talk yesterday but W decided to have a fun day and drink a few beers. I was interested in the football games so I just decided to move it to today. We're supposed to get massages this afternoon so I figured we could go have some alone time after and discuss. I thought the text conversation was pretty telling so I thought I would share some of it.
Me: I need a little time with you today. Maybe after massages we can get a beer.
W: What's up? You miss me or what?
Me: Always
W: It freaks me out when you are cryptic with your msgs. What's up?
Me: Relax, nothing to freak out about. Just want some time on the calendar and I'm super busy today.
W: I've spent my whole life being afraid of you, trying to make you happy and you've been miserable. Almost entirely. I still live daily with that fear and I hate it.
Me: I hope you can let that go someday. My happiness (or unhappiness) isn't dependent on you. You are not responsible for it. Sure, sometimes I love your choices and sometimes I don't, but I think that's separate from happiness in general.
That's some pretty serious honesty on her part. I know it's true, but I think it took some strength for her to say it. She admitted vulnerability, past and present. That says a lot about her own growth (Regret, that's the inner strength I am talking about in your threads).
I feel a little guilty because I do want to talk about a serious topic, but I didn't want her stressing about it all day. I wonder if she even realizes the date is out there at this point. Will report back after the talk to let everyone know how it goes.
Good point bug, and in hindsight, I definitely should have. That makes really good sense. W felt like it was a setup and was immediately on the defensive. Of course I told her I didn't want her worrying about it all day, but on the other hand, why should I care? She's driving this boat.
W had to work some, so we ended up going to dinner after and talking then. She said she had forgotten all about it, but later said she didn't think she could ever love me like I deserved, could never get back to the way it was (which I called bull on, because who wants to go backward...but whatever). She danced around the D topic and the upcoming pre-conference...never really addressed it. But she did ask if I would want her to move out.
And the feather in the cap....when I got up this morning, I found the D papers tucked between some folders on my desk. I called W and asked if we could talk today, and she's going to meet me between meetings for 30 mins. I also called the attorney I had consulted with to see what my options are at this point. Kind of a crappy turn of events, but we'll see where her head is at shortly. When she left this morning, she made a point to kiss me bye, to tell me about her bonus and our tax bill, and upcoming deals. Everything's normal....except those D papers.
Thinking about you Breakdown. I hope the meeting with W brings you some greater clarity.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Spoke with W for about 45 mins and it got a little messy. W said she really did forget about the pre-conf and wasn't planning on going. She thought I had all the paperwork and was just waiting on my counter. She said she doesn't feel any different now than she did 2 years ago when she decided to get D. She's still angry and hurt and pissed about so much of the past that she says it outweighs any good from recent history. She also said that the "old me" was still in there somewhere, because she sees him occasionally, so I take that as she still doesn't trust my changes.
She also said that she knew she wasn't treating me how I should be treated, or loving me the way she should. She said she didn't really feel like making me happy, or rushing home to see me, all those things she used to feel. She said she was "tolerant" of me mostly. Talk about a slap in the face.
I told her if she felt she needed D, then that was her right and I was ok with it, but I wanted to understand how it was all going to work. Our house pretty much prevents us from moving on...it has been for sale for a year and is too much for either of us to handle solo. We're already marketing it below market and at a loss, so I wanted to know what her plans were for it. She didn't know. I said, "hey, you want the D, so you need to figure this stuff out. I'll do what you want me to do, but you have to come up with the plan."
At the end of the conversation, she said she'd call her attorney and see if she could push the pre-conf back. I am assuming we'll wait til the house sells, and then proceed but I guess I'll get the low down this evening.
Once again I feel a little lost. The last few months I've felt like a newlywed, but maybe it was just me. Might be time to check in with my DB coach and talk about moving to the next phase where I start detaching. Maybe I need to go back to the "roommates who co-parent" mindset.
BD - I'm really sorry it went this way today. I wish I had some good advice for you (continue to DB like you were vs. roommates) but I'm more the pupil here. I think detaching might be the way to go for your own sanity. I'm just posting to let you know you have support here. A couple days ago I reread all your sitch threads and it's amazing to see how far you've come.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
She was so loving in those next 20 mins I actually did fall asleep. Then I wake up this morning and we ML again. I mean really....if this is what D is all about, then I understand why the divorce rate is so high!