ILYBINILWY

[AJM]

There are several on your list I disagree with - in the sense they are male-dominated traits. I think it's a short-sighted list

If the LBS wasn't willing to do for the M what the WAS wanted, they were probably living with someone that was nagging and unhappy most of the time anyway. I would think a D would be a "gift" to the LBS. Then they would be able to continue as they were and not have to change anything about themself.

This isn't the first time I've missed what you were saying. We come from very different perspectives. No surprise, right?

If there is one thing in life that's a constant, it's change. We all must change to adapt to our surroundings. Constantly. Nobody has a choice in that. The question is not if we change. The question is how much we and our spouse change together or apart.

In cases where it is just nagging all the time, some people have a tolerance level where they see the good outweigh the bad. Not that they didn't want different, but that they could tolerate those parts in favor of the beneficial parts. Kind of like drinking cranberry juice - kind of bitter and sweet, yet it tastes great with vodka. I can tolerate the bitter with my vodka.

But don't ever fool yourself into thinking anyone is static. Stop kidding yourself that your H must be the one to change. The only one. Everything you ask of him, it seems should be fair for him to ask of you. Including that you change to suit his needs, just like you're demanding of him.

Put this another way, your H should divorce you because you won't change to suit him. I see. I doubt you meant it so absolute, but I think you're missing something here and I'm not sure how to articulate it in a way it will resonate. But basically that's a two-way street you have just brought up.

You can see plenty of posts on the boards that both support and destroy that theory, CV. In the end, you still need to be the best you, you can be. There are no excuses for not being your best regardless of the spouse's behavior or reaction to your efforts.

Was the end of my marriage a gift? Not really. I choose to see it that way now. But my ex and I were very close until about 9 months pre-BD. Lovers, best friends, parents... But she would say the same thing if asked - I wouldn't change to meet her demands. It took her an additional 6-9 months to figure out a reason she could live with to leave (accusing me of not changing, so she hardened her heart toward me). This wasn't over years, CV. This was overnight for me, so my perspective is a little different.

But let's say it again - I'm being asked to change. I'll change. Then that change isn't what you wanted so I need to change again. So I change. And that isn't what you wanted so you demand I change again. And we repeat the cycle many times. That happens. It happened to me until I put a stop to it.

Was my ex leaving a gift? I see it that way now because I see the person she has become. My kids and I talk about it sometimes (they bring it up), and I can honestly say I would have left her by now if she had not left. In that sense it's a gift. But did I change?

Many times over. Do you really think changing is going to make you happy? Do you really see it as a gift to D somebody because Queen spouse deemed them as "never" changing and never wanting to change? When all along they are accusing their spouse of having a splinter in their eye, yet they have a plank in their own....


AJ