Well I have not heard from my W since Tuesday. I have made no initiation and would consider myself dark! When she texted to say the dogs were home and doing better on Christmas Day, I said I wished her a Merry Christmas to her and her family. Nothing more.
If I ask about how the dogs are doing, I'm sure she will respond, but I don't want it to feel like I'm pursuing her. She definately is posting a lot ot Facebook about going out and partying with friends...and about how she's not able to sleep.
I am leaving tomorrow for home and I'm sure it's going to hard to get back into a routine with work and GAL. But I will do it. I want to feel better about myself and this whole situation.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Back home. Got in late Friday night. W texted a couple of times Friday that my flight was delayed and that she fed the dogs. She actually tried to call me about my flight which I find unusual, but I was away from my phone and did see her call.
I left her gifts/card here when I left and she did thank me for them on Thursday before I came home. I said you're welcome. She said nothing more to me. She did not give me anything. Her parents were here for Christmas and they left me a couple of gifts that she left under the tree.
She left several things at the house from when she stayed here. I have a deep sense that she had the OW here while I was gone. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but it's the one of those feelings.
There are a few things I just don't understand. Why when they do have a PA with the OP why there is such a need to keep it secret? If you want a divorce to be with the OP then get a divorce and let us all move on?
Why do the crazy people try and make the rest of us crazy, paranoid and insecure?
Why would her parents be so accepting of her leaving our marriage. Her sister pulled this a few years ago. Her sister married a great guy and six months later she went to a wedding (with him and her parents) and was found outside by her husband making out with a guy she had just met. She left her husband to move in with this guy who she eventually left since he abused her. Her parents kept supporting her decision, because as my W keeps telling me their family has unconditional love for one another. I should say that my W parents have been married for 48 years and fight all the time. They are not nice to each other and throw verbal daggers at each other all the time. I'm not sure that unconditional love means be mean to each other and then go to church and say a prayer???
I sometimes wonder if my W is really in a MLC or is she just playing this game to get me to leave? Why is she keeping so much distance between us and only wants to only text and respond on her terms. She seems to have a lot of the signs, but then sometimes I think she's has just bad behaviors and trying to mask them as a MLC.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Sam, Glad to see that you arrived home safely. I'm also glad to read that she thanked your for her gifts. It's not unusual for the mlcer not to give the spouse anything.
If your gut is telling you that the ow may have spent time at your home, most likely she did. Was the home left the way you had left it?
As for her parents, blood is thicker than water and they will go along w/whatever their children are doing, even if they don't think it's right. Also, you don't know what she has told them about the situation.
The need to keep the affair secret is a bring thrill for them. It is excitement and a huge turn on for them if they think they are keeping something secret from the rest of the world. Once the affair is brought out into the light of day, the thrill is gone. You will find that many of the MLCers will act this way and will not file for a divorce. It's just the nature of the beast when it comes to MLC. She may not be sure that this OP is what she wants right now on a permanent basis.
Crazy people can try to make you crazy, paranoid and insecure, but you are the only one that has the power/control to not allow that to happen.
I seriously doubt that she thinks she's in MLC and I do not think that she is trying to mask her behaviors as MLC. I do think that she's got some serious issues and I also think that she's trying to push your buttons to get you to end the marriage. Texting is very impersonal and that way she doesn't not hear your voice nor see the emotions running across your face. It is very safe for them to use and not feel guilty when communicating w/you. Distance = safety and also keeps the guilt down to a minimum for her.
My advice would be to just leave her alone and focus on you and your pets. The new year is around the corner and you will have ample time to figure out what you want to do.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Snodderly can you explain what you mean by serious problems? Not that I'm disagreeing I'm just wondering what you are thinking.
I will need to make contact with her (probably by email) as she ordered a lot of stuff and it inadvertently was charged to my sisters debit card. Long story and neither ones fault just need to get money to my sister to cover the amount charged on iTunes account. I also need to touch base about getting our furnace fixed and want to include her in the discussion not just make a decision and run with it and then let her "know" what I've done. I figure this way it should be a discussion and not me trying to control the situation. She's used that card a few times with me that I'm always trying to control her and what she's doing.
Thanks, Sam
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Sam, She may have some "serious" childhood issues that only she knows about. Maybe she's still trying to figure out who she is and what she wants out of life. We don't know actually how her childhood was...these could be very serious issues that she needs to deal w/and only a professional could help her, if she were to seek one out. What I'm thinking is that she wasn't validated and no one may have understood her sexual orientation as she was growing up...unfortuantely, unless she's discussed some of her thoughts about her childhood, we will not know where those issues may lie in her heart and soul.
As for the charges, definitely contact her about them as soon as possible. Do not be surprised if she becomes defensive, as mlcers are paranoid and do not like to have their errors pointed out to them.
I think it is wise to discuss the furnace repairs w/her and go from there. Keep your expectations at zero because she's looking at everything in a different light these days.
Speak calmly and do not allow your emotions to take over. State your points in short and sweet manner as they can't concentrate on too much information at one time.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Sam and Good folks, just a bit about childhood issues. In 2001 I asked Liz to write down a bit about herself, so she wrote the following in my diary:
Age 2-3 I remember climbing onto a train, looking at the strange patterns on the seats, and being afraid of the smoke (from the steam loco engine). At the age of 7 at primary school helping to look after Bill & Jill (her brother and sister) on their first day at school.
Aged 10 enjoying dressing up for the school nativity play at Christmas. Enjoying Christmas parties at the parish hall, we would all get a present. Aunty Gertrude would come over, nanny Williams as well. I remember staying weekends at Aunty Lily’s getting spoiled, then getting upset when I had to come home. I felt I had more attention there.
Aged 11 I was really afraid of leaving primary school, I was dreading it, I would get upset when I got on the bus to go to high school. It took me a long time to settle in.
Aged 13 I would enjoy going to Nanny Williams’ house on a night (she lived in the same village). She would let me have a bath a luxury (at home Liz would only be able to have a small amount of water in her bath!) She would tell me stories about when she was a young girl. Aunty Gertrude would come over at Christmas and Easter. We would all go to see Aunty Jen and uncle George it would be a great day out.
I used to feel envious of Jill (her sister who happened to be in my class at high school also her twin brother Bill) as she seemed to get more attention than me. She had plenty of boyfriends I felt like the ugly sister, I would like to get out of the house and go to Glenda’s (a lifelong friend they now work together).
P.S I knew most of the above, Liz is a natural left hander, but at primary school they forced her use her right, this made her stammer for quite a few months.
When I update my thread I will tell you more about Liz’s Childhood issues.
My W did have a major childhood trauma. I don't want to get into the details, but I believe that she still has not worked through them even as an adult. She has a issues with her parent concerning this trauma. She will praise her parents to people and on Facebook, but she has told me several times she resents and blames them for their inactions to the situation when she was a child. She has told me a lot of what has happened, but I think she still needs to work through these with her therapist. I also think that for the longest time after we got together she did not continue to work on these and this may be the reason she's in such a dark place, especially with me.
I did text her this morning as this seems to be the more comfortable form of communication with her. I asked that she check and determine if the charges were reversed. She definately got defensive about the charges and I reiterated that I only wanted her to check if they were reversed on my sisters debit card and I was not questioning the charges. She then went on a bit of a tangent about who else had the account and that she only wants her account for her and no one else. I said that was fine and I'd make sure no one in my family had her account. She seemed okay for the moment, but who knows. She then said that she thought about calling the furnace people, but didn't. I'm not sure why she didn't and she would not elaborate.
Snodderly-You asked about the house condition. Lets just say it was not left in the same condition as I left it...Not surprised there!
I'm not surprised that something happened to her as a child because all of the MLCers have a past that comes back to haunt them sometime in their lives, i.e., especially at midlife. There is no need to go into her history here, but at least you are aware of it.
She's going to have to face that issue at some point and hopefully get to the point that she can discuss it w/her parents. Until she does, she'll continue to live in denial.
So, she got a little defensive about the charges...not surprised because she felt like you were most likely pointing the finger at her about it or she may have thought you were questioning the purchases. Glad to see you explained the reason for the text message.
Oh, she might have thought about calling the heating people, but she didn't want to fork out "her" money at Christmas for the repair...typical behavior and let "the adult authority figure" take care of it.
I'm so sorry the house wasn't the way you left it...typical teenager behavior.
I do hope the new year is better for you.
Please try to have a Happy New Year.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just got a text from my W who is away with some joint friends at a seaside town that we frequent a lot in the summer.
Just a note, we have a boat that sleeps 4. According to the separation agreement, I get the boat every 4th of July. Every year you have to call in November to make your arrival arrangements for the following year. So I called November 1st and made arrangements for Memorial Weekend, 4th of July week and Labor Day. And yes I paid for these out of my account. These are the weekends/week we usually spend on the cape.
Text 1-Did you make reservations for Mem Day and Labor Day? Me - Yes
Text 2 - Ok - so are we splitting those? Like can I have Mem Day and you take Labor Day weekend? Me - No response yet...
Me thinking - hmmmm I'll let you use the boat one of those weekends, but I think I should cancel the reservation and let her try and make her own. She's doing this because I've already made the reservations and it's virtually impossible to get after the Novemer 1st deadline. We've been making these reservations for the last ten+ years the same way. I did not make these reservations trying to hurt her, but I truely thought that we would be in a place that maybe would could go together...I think that again she's acting like a teenager, with I want what you have. I know I have to respond, but she's going to be p1ssy no matter what I offer up as a solution.
Any thougthts?
Sam
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Sam, I think it's a bit early for a decision to be made about those holidays. You may decide you want those dates later on in the year. I would advise her that you will revisit her requests at a later date. Do not tell her what the later date is at this time.
Quite frankly, I think your wife is being extremely selfish and self absored right now and I wouldn't give up anything at this point in time. She's showing that she doesn't respect you or your feelings and until you take back your respect, she will continue to take and not give anything in return. Make her work for what she wants. Don't just hand over things to her because the bottom line is this, no matter what you say or do, you will be damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Did we not say she is acting like a teenager? Set your boundaries or she is going to walk all over you. She is not the person you married or knew pre-crisis. This person is the exact opposite of her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
