Well, it was so difficult I couldn't shake it. I went back to that place where I roll around in the muck of how distant we are and how there's no fixing it in the near future and how low I am on her priorities. It's not a happy place. Often told about my grumpiness, I consciously try to keep it in check, so I don't have outbursts or stomp or yell. I do get quiet, keep to myself, much like my response in the robe-opening incident. And I didn't want to be near her or speak with her on the chance that I'd say something I'd regret later. I try to maintain as if nothing is wrong, but I'm sure my grim face and lost sense of humour shines through.
And she's familiar enough with this pattern that she picked up on it. Next day she pulled me aside for a chat. I had tried to blame the cancellation of a family birthday event on her. Really, I was trying to withdraw, semi-consciously. She called me on it, then we got into other stuff for a few minutes. She acknowledged her wall, she'd try to work on it in coming days. I said it'd take much longer than that for her to finish grieving. I paraphrased my "Don't..." poem from above, explained how hard this has been on me, lost weight, sleep. Ended up kissing, embracing.
That did it. I've been out of the muck since. Had a great birthday event after all. Still haven't dug into things we need to discuss, but I'm okay with the reassurance for now.
