What I am learning from H stages.

[NLW]

So, is this me protecting myself? Am I being to harsh, or is the stage I need to be at to accept that all the above is probably true?

I don't know, Dawn.
I tend to vacillate between feeling that there is no hope for my H ever to return to being a decent person, and the feeling that he is lost and needs my compassionate understanding for succumbing to things he has no control over.

I think sometimes too we might look for others who we tell about our sitch to judge our spouses - to tell us how wrong they are in treating us this way, what a lowdown dirty rat they are (at least this is true for me!) rather than, say, offering a prayer of hope.

I really don't know.

But please do know that we are here for you - I'm finding it difficult to offer much in the way of helpful advice to anyone lately, I'm just a bit too exhausted by developments in my sitch to do anything other than read here. But I do read and try to keep up with everyone's threads.

I'm thinking of you.

[scaredsilly]

Dawn, I can tell you need some words of encouragement and guidance. I don't have the answers but I do know that once I stopped my focus on my H and put it more on myself and my family and friends, I was so much happier.

Along with that, just as everyone on here told me it would happen, my H noticed and moved back towards me. I think it would help you, too.

I wish you a very happy new year!

[job]

Dawn,
You may want to consider moving your thread over to the MLC Forum. You've been at this for quite some time and you will get more responses and support for MLC issues over there and you can link your threads in your new one.

As for the cell phone, he will continue to carry it around for a long time. It's all part of being a teenager all over again. Your h has a ways to go and yes, it gets frustrating dealing w/their emotional issues and distance all of the time. They've basically checked out of the relationship long before you get the BD. Having an MLCer living at home is difficult and the walking on eggshells affects everyone.

[seeking answers]

Hey DM,
I agree with Snodderly. Your H sounds like classic MLC and moving your thread over there should help with responses.

My MLCer H sounds very much like yours except for the fact that he did leave and lives with the ow. It seems to be a common theme for them to want to escape all responsibility and believe that if we (LBS and kids)weren't in the picture then their lives would be perfect.

I get that you are done, but when I see you questioning yourself, then I think that maybe you're not quite done yet. Just make sure that your decisions sit right in your heart and soul and are not made trying to teach your H a lesson. I am also struggling with this right now as I'm headed into my 4th year with H gone.

Hope you consider coming on over to MLC.

[nero]

hey dawn-

hiya- just popping in for a minute - h in shower- mom in hospital - what a firwst day of the year. i don't think this is a very good omen- spending it in a hospital emergency room- etc.

anyway- you're rite about specific comments - that address your issues. there are not soo many i think out there- unless you happen to just "connect" with someone. i think mostly if you didn't look in or "listen" - no one might be on a daily basis.

i'm not sure howone does it- getsallll involved enough - and then, there's the problem that we're all (honestly) mired totally in our own sitches and lives - which are probably all quite a mess - or we wouldn't be here. if there were a bunch of practicing intern psychologists out there in life who were in here roaming around t4rying their hand at giving therapy- maybe.

i just wanted to say hi and like someone above- today i don't know if i have hope- or can offer hope- or if i've given up really- and can offer defeat (as a not so bad thing either). maybe allthe whole deal about detaching and accepting - merely means give the hell up- it's over and move on.

i'm not exactly there- but i maybe on the way. gotta go- water just wen toffi - woo hoo

good luck- hang in there- h goes back 3rd - cripes

[nero]

hey dawn-

hi and hope all's well with you. i hate to think you're in crisis mode and feeling all alone out there in dbland

just wanted to say hi- just back from hsopital- younger sister & h back at home with mom now.

Major (discussion) w/ her husband- what a jerk. soooo- apparently i am truly the most self-centered person in the universe - geeez - no wonder everyone hates me . oh well- it's mutual i geuss. i'm done here- i'm done trying- i don't want ;to go thru life having to watch every single word i say because everyone around is is offended allllll the time. i can't get over it - what a family- what a buhcn of self-involved people. i was thinking of some of your comments about your mom-

i'm thinking i don't understand this group of women i'm related to- i cannot be this go-betwen guy anuymore. i don't even care if we all like each other or hate each other-

it's impossible - isn't it? people? so- how are your doing - and are you okay.??? have you reached some point of turnng off the "light" or not? it's fine if you're still "on the fence" - we do have the rest of our lives to get it right.

i forget and think things are really really crucial- all we need to do is breath- and remember there very p4obably is tomorrow- we can always __________ it then. whatever goes in the blank- it's still going to be there tomorrow.

i'm having a very big old self-pity party here- complete with red nose. i just don't get it - really. anything-

i'm too tired to even rant- hope you're good- write and say yea or nay- happy new year- hang in there dearie(((__))))

xxo

[nero]

hey dawn-

hi and hope all's well with you. i hate to think you're in crisis mode and feeling all alone out there in dbland

just wanted to say hi- just back from hsopital- younger sister & h back at home with mom now.

Major (discussion) w/ her husband- what a jerk. soooo- apparently i am truly the most self-centered person in the universe - geeez - no wonder everyone hates me . oh well- it's mutual i geuss. i'm done here- i'm done trying- i don't want ;to go thru life having to watch every single word i say because everyone around is is offended allllll the time. i can't get over it - what a family- what a buhcn of self-involved people. i was thinking of some of your comments about your mom-

i'm thinking i don't understand this group of women i'm related to- i cannot be this go-betwen guy anuymore. i don't even care if we all like each other or hate each other-

it's impossible - isn't it? people? so- how are your doing - and are you okay.??? have you reached some point of turnng off the "light" or not? it's fine if you're still "on the fence" - we do have the rest of our lives to get it right.

i forget and think things are really really crucial- all we need to do is breath- and remember there very p4obably is tomorrow- we can always __________ it then. whatever goes in the blank- it's still going to be there tomorrow.

i'm having a very big old self-pity party here- complete with red nose. i just don't get it - really. anything-

i'm too tired to even rant- hope you're good- write and say yea or nay- happy new year- hang in there dearie(((__))))

xxo

[albamarie]

thank you, everyone! It was awesome to see all the posts filled with kind words, I don't really hear anything kind these days.

They've basically checked out of the relationship long before you get the BD. Having an MLCer living at home is difficult and the walking on eggshells affects everyone

My H explained this to me yesterday, how he was gone way before he met ea, and before we were even showing signs of having issues. Again, saying that none of this is my fault, I have done nothing wrong to deserve his sh!t.

I have a lot of thinking to do. I will move my new thread to MLC and beging my journey with what I hope to be a stronger sense of what I want, and who I am, and what am I going to do to come out of this ok!

Thanks again, dber's!