Dear All, thanks for listening. I am new here, and wish I didn't have to be here but appreciate the brilliant support of people that I have never (knowingly) met.
I have known my husband for 23 years and we have been married for 18. I always thought it was a perfect marriage. I adore my husband. We have irregular sex but neither of us have ever really had enormous sex drive so we are both happy with that. He has several female friends (very few male ones), and has dinner with them or drinks. I know and like them all. Often we know them as a couple or they predate my meeting my husband. I have no problem with that. I was always considered a catch for my husband: In fact his work colleagues are constantly amazed that he managed to persuade me to marry him. I love his character, he is a fabulous husband and father, he always treated me as the centre of his world and I always thought that he would be faithful and we would grow old and happy together.
I noticed in June that my husband (52 year old senior hospital doctor) was spending much more time with his juniors, taking them out for drinks on a weekly basis. He also wanted to join facebook, started losing weight and listening to more trendy music. I was a bit suspicious that he was having a mid life crisis and often he was more distant than usual but still very very involved with our young children (8-12). He was certainly less affectionate with me but we have had periods like that when we have both been very busy.
In September of this year he got in a panic and wanted my phone as he had sent me a text by mistake. I pretended that I didn't know where it was, but would find it when I had finished what I was doing. I actually had my phone on me and had a look, before pretending to find it and giving it to him. The text was not incriminating at all but was to a woman I had not heard of (28 y old co-worker, junior to him and with her career in his hands). I was a little suspicious and a few weeks later looked at his telephone and discovered that he had been texting her on a daily basis about non work related issues even when we were on holiday. Not sexual at all but very affectionate and caring and asking her to please come out for a drink with him; he needed to get to know her better etc; was she upset with him? Could he lend her money? Could he help her move house? he was so pleased he had helped her get her new job etc? (he was on the interview panel). He sounded as if he was chasing her. I confronted him and he reassured me and said that it was nothing but that he would stop. He asked if he wanted me to cancel a work trip a few days later when he was going with her away for 10 days. It felt ridiculous to ask him to cancel, so I let it go ahead but it really upset me. I don't think his feelings are reciprocated to the same extent. She certainly likes him, and sent him a birthday card just before they went away " Dearest X, Happy Belated Birthday. Looking forward to having fun in ..........' (I discovered this whilst snooping in his brief case together with some CDs she had leant him). She is attractive and has a lot of friends and an exotic life style and I think he has a crush on her and really wants to spend time with her.
After I told him that I found the texts and thought they were inappropriate he said that he would stop and he certainly does not text her in the same way, or at least deletes the texts if he does. They text about work but not as affectionate. They work together and will do for the next few years. He didn't tell me but I found out that he has taken her out alone for a drink and sent her a text the next day saying what a nice evening, and great dress and could he take her someone really nice next time. (This was after I confronted him) He then planned dinner with her at a very romantic expensive restaurant but that was cancelled at the last minute.
Despite trying not to, I exploded one evening and said that I wanted an explanation of his relationship with her and I thought that he ought to introduce us and let me know if he was taking her out for drinks or dinner. This was met with silence, which I took as a 'no way'.
Throughout all this I assumed that he was having a Mid Life Crisis and that it would all blow over. I have been making a monumental effort at home and he and I text several times a day with affectionate texts. We also have more sex but it is not very affectionate, and he avoids looking at my face, or me in the eye!
I just need some advice on how to cope with my feelings of intense jealousy, humiliation, rage, anger and the fact that I don't really feel the same way about him. He has been so lacking in empathy and so adamant that he has done nothing wrong and that he does not want a physical relationship with her. But I just don't understand. If that is the case can't he be honest about her? The thought of my husband treating her to dinners, and her assuming that his wife is a battle axe which is why he is so desperate to see her, hurts me enormously. Everyone I talk to is shocked that I am letting him get away with this, and I wonder if I am being a door mat but want him to choose to stop, rather than being forced to.
I would love to hear anyone else in this situation. I feel sure in 10 years time it will all have settled down but how to cope over that long a time..I feel like an option and not a priority in my marriage.
All best
Would appreciate your thoughts...thanks
Me 49y H 52y T23 y M17 y ??EA June 2012 with younger co-worker children 8-12
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I hope you read all of cadet's links they are so helpful. That being said, IMO if your H is not involved with her physically he either wants to be or will be.
You have to work on you and soon, make him wonder about you and what your doing...GAL now! I wish I personally had done it sooner.
M 41 H 43 M 22 S 18 S 14 D 11 Affair discovered 1/12 He filed 2/12 OW#2 7/12 she lives next door. D pending
Thank you everyone, especially Cadet and caigy72. I am not at all sure that my DH is having a MLC, some of it is definitely an over paranoid approach on my part. But still, something is not entirely right I sense that and there is work to be done here!! I have decided to trust my DH completely. He has told me that he has not and has never had an affair and I have no reason to disbelieve this. Complete trust and if he needs to meet with other people then I have no desire for him to stop this. No more snooping or spying- this does not improve the situation. I am going to work on me and on our relationship: more love from me in particular more approval, more thanks, more acknowledgement of the wonderful things he does for us as a family, and is, and has achieved. I will also work very very hard at GAL, enjoying my friends, getting my hugs from them for the moment and being the kind of person that people want to be with. I am sure that this is the best way forward for me, and for us and our family. I think I will know that it is working if he becomes happier, more affectionate and we start to have great laughs in each other company again.
Lets hope I can keep this up. If I feel any of the negative thoughts resurfacing I shall come back here, or go for a run, or take a deep breath and leave the room until I am ready to come back again. I feel very positive as the new year approaches.
Me 49y H 52y T23 y M17 y ??EA June 2012 with younger co-worker children 8-12
Hello Mum, I don't post much ever anymore but I saw your thread title and it was "familiar" so I thought I'd read. My XH left me for his very much younger coworker and he lives with her now, going on 3 years they are together and I'm divorced as of 2 years ago. We are not in any contact anymore, but I've turned my life around and I'm in a good place despite the betrayal.
The reason I'm posting is not because your situation reminds me of mine because it doesn't. When I suspected my XH, and confronted him, he immediately came clean and moved out.
Your situation reminds me of what I see one of my closest friends in now in her marriage, so I wonder if my telling you about her will help you in any way.
Incidentally I don't know if your H is in a MLC either, but you do seem to have a situation where there is some form of infidelity, though perhaps it's emotional only, and yet that's very dangerous.
My friend is in a marriage of more than 10 years and with her H for about 20 give or take some time when they were apart prior to marriage but then got back together. She admits to me she married him for his stability and friendship and companionship, but that sex was never "that important" to her or him. They are essentially best friends and have at this point almost no sex.
7 years ago she fell for a co-worker. He was her older boss. She was enamored of him, looked up to him as a role model, wanted to follow in his footsteps. He was sort of "grooming" her for his job. She spent lots of time with him and other colleagues at happy hours and such. Eventually people would start to drift away and go home and then she'd find herself making excuses to her H to stay later but just "with work friends" so he never questioned. But it was just with the older boss. One day they ended up making plans to go out after work alone. Had the whole 9 yards, fancy dinner at a romantic place, complete with a strolling violin player. He kissed her in the restaurant. She didn't back down. Eventually she said she had to leave, got in her car, cried her eyes out, and then went home to her H. Told him nothing.
Later she told the coworker I can't do this, I'm married. So he said fine, and he backed off. At that point she told me (this is long before my XH's MLC or his infidelity). I told her "I think you should tell your H but tell him it's over and you should figure out why you did this." She didn't. She said "what he doesn't know won't hurt him. But I won't see the guy any more except at work." Well then after a few months, she starts it up again. And for 7 years now, they are together at least once a month for dinner alone, drinks alone, even going as far as going to his house alone.
She tells her husband she has to work late. He doesn't question her. She says if her husband did ask her "are you with X" she'd still say "yeah but it's work-related" (because incidentally, this guy voluntarily took a demotion and went back to his old job and now SHE has his old job. So she's HIS boss now). In fact she said if he ever questioned her she'd probably get angry and withdrawn (which is the way your H is acting). She admits to me she'd act like he had no reason to be suspicious and she would make him feel guilty for asking.
I said how long do you expect to keep this up? She said "indefinitely."
Why does she think it's ok? Because they don't touch each other. Simple as that. It doesn't matter that everything she does has the marks of an emotional affair, and I've even pointed her to online quizzes where if she was honest she'd say yes to every question. She thinks because it's not physical it's ok. She also thinks that because her H doesn't "do it" for her in terms of being "exciting enough, understanding enough of exactly how tough her job is when this guy 'gets it' because he's done it, etc." that it's ok to have this side thing going. She has no plans to ever come clean or to stop what she's doing. Despite the fact that she watched me have a nervous breakdown over being cheated on, she doesn't seem to think anything is wrong with her actions. (I think what's she's doing is far worse than my XH as my XH didn't live with me while he saw someone/was connected to someone for more than a month).
I can't stop her or talk sense into her at all. I've even threatened to cease my friendship with her. Didn't work. And I'm afraid to do that because her H will DEFINITELY know something is up if I follow through with that threat. And I'm not going to be the one to break this to him, but it kills me to have this secret.
In any case, when I read your description of your sitch it reminded me of hers in reverse. The acting like there is nothing going on, but the interest that goes over the line, it's the sign of an emotional affair.
You said your H commented on the way this woman was dressed, well after a dinner with my friend, her H, and the guy she's in love with, the guy texted her to say "nice boots." Normally that would mean nothing. But in the context of 7 years of flirting and hiding their relationship, "nice boots" means "I noticed how you looked even while your H sat across the table from me, and I couldn't say it in front of him, but I could text you privately as he drove you home." She of course lied and told her H it was "a work text."
I am a firm believer in instinct and intuition. I've just never seen anyone have intuitions about texts and such turn out to be wrong.
So what do you do?
I think you GAL--you do whatever you can to live your life and find your own happiness. No you don't walk around acting paranoid or suspicious. You act indifferent, you act like you have your own agenda and you are responsible for your own happiness. But you keep your eyes and ears open.
A lot of people amass evidence before they make accusations. It's terrible to have to do it, but honestly I WISH my friend's husband has suspicions enough to do it because she's NOT covering her tracks right now.
I don't mean to feed paranoia here at all, and I hope I'm wrong about your H, but it sounds like his excuses are the same as hers, and that silence in the last part, well, let's just say 3 women I know who have been cheated on recently (not married) ALL got that silence when confronted. It's a way of them NOT answering the question and making the women feel guilty for asking. If they don't answer they can say they didn't actually lie. It's very twisted.
I think if you have these gut feelings and you never had them before in your marriage, coupled with what I do think are inappropriate conversations on text (and I do think if they have stopped it's likely because he's deleting them but if you pay the bills you can get a record of the texts from the phone company) then your intuition is telling you something you need to pay attention to.
Good luck and I'll keep you in my thoughts.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Edited to add: I only just now saw your post directly above--don't know how I missed that. Please know that I don't mean to say anything in your approach above is wrong. I think all your plans and positivity are great! But I do think you have to be cautious, and like I said, keep your eyes and ears open.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Dear AntoniaB thank you so much for that. I am so happy that you took the time to post. It was really helpful. I think my earlier post was probably only 'released' after it had been moderated. I would hate to be in this situation with no inkling that something might be afoot so I am glad that I have been alerted and won't suddenly find out through another source and be completely shocked at the dishonesty. I was really interested in the similarities..It sounds as if your friend and her 'friend" are stuck in some limbo which maybe suits everyone but I can't believe they have kept it up for 7 years! I just feel that if a marriage is worth staying in, it is worth investing in but perhaps this is her way of staying faithful in the marriage. I have invested more time now in really good friends and family and in GAL; and will see if this wins DH around, although aware that it might not!! It really helps having you lovely people here. I could not talk to my family as they would be so cross with DH but here I feel supported. I would be really interested to have any more insights into your friend's situation. Her husband is lucky to have you there to keep half an eye out for him!
Me 49y H 52y T23 y M17 y ??EA June 2012 with younger co-worker children 8-12
PS AntoniaB, I am really sorry about your situation but delighted to hear that you have bounced back with your 8 feline girls! I will drink to your health and happiness when I see 2013 in tomorrow!
Me 49y H 52y T23 y M17 y ??EA June 2012 with younger co-worker children 8-12
Felt rather sad this morning. Woke up missing affection from DH- not even sure when it stopped but I became aware of it when I discovered the texts, although maybe it was a result of my discovery and confronting him! Now, after all my reading, I know that sometimes you just have to ask for things that you want clearly and briefly. Wasn't sure if this was really the right time, not wanting to come across as needy or demanding; secretly thought that I should not have to ask for a hug...; cross that I had not had one since 12th December!! But then, hey new year, new me. I asked for one with a smile, got one with a smile, and that will keep me going till February! Still smiling and recharged to GAL!! happy New Year to you all.
Me 49y H 52y T23 y M17 y ??EA June 2012 with younger co-worker children 8-12
