KD, I really don't have a need to be right. I have a need to possess what is *mine*. But you ask me that question a lot. I'm not sure how to talk with you about this sort of thing without you interpreting it like that. You asked me "Why do you feel a need to be RIGHT about it?" I responded that I didn't understand the need for the discussion, placing the word "wrong" in quotes because I don't even know how to discuss this in terms of "right" and "wrong." It's my opinion, my perception as you put it. How can an opinion be right or wrong? Can we just agree that you're entitled to your opinion/perception and I'm entitled to mine, without either of us being right or wrong?
And even if what you're saying was absolutely valid, I'm not making the leap from needing to be right to needing to be appreciated.
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You are being wronged by your H and are justified to be doing what you are doing.
How am I being wronged by my H? He plays his music loudly because he likes it. He's not doing anything wrong and I'm not being wronged, I don't take it personally. But it physically hurts my ears and I leave. There is no justification required for that. I'm neither right nor wrong in doing so, but I am entitled to do so.
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It comes out as you trying to make your H change to suit you, before you will change to suit the M that you want.
I think you and I have hit this wall before. I'd love some specifics here to your observation. In the issue above, for example. If in fact I were willing to "change to suit the M that I want" in regards to H playing his music loudly, what would it look like?
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What is unfortunate is, those changes weren't a habit. They were a tactic. That they were not working for you, you decided you would not do them. Not because it made your M worse, but because your H appeared more happy and wanted to be more with you, which you are finding fault in, so you stopped.
I'm afraid I didn't follow this at all. I'll agree it wasn't a habit, because I didn't do it long enough to become a habit. And it certainly wasn't a tactic on my part, it was a challenge by you. But other than that?
I agree I stopped doing it because it wasn't working for me. I've done the one-sided M and I'm not interested in doing that again. If H had shown some sign of reciprocation of what *I* wanted instead of pursuing more of what *he* wanted, then I would have continued and even ramped it up. Knightyme just illustrated this with "I thought my M was fine for months before the bomb." It was fine for him, but she was packing her bags. For some reason, there are a lot of one-sided M's that don't survive. I wonder why?
I am pleasant with my H, pretty much all the time, especially now that we're not discussing any issues. It's very superficial, like being pleasant to the cashier at the grocery store. Superficial, not artificial. As long as I'm not working on any deeper connection, we're fine. And what I've read recently about men and connection is that they're pretty much content with a R just sitting silently in a room watching the ballgame. Again, not *all* men, but definitely H. So I'm not really sure what more he would want from the R besides the bedroom and for me to follow him around *silently* like a dog while he pursued his own interests. BTDT, not really interested. You seem to see it as something else.
