Husband and much younger female co-worker

[AntoniaB]

Hello Mum, I don't post much ever anymore but I saw your thread title and it was "familiar" so I thought I'd read. My XH left me for his very much younger coworker and he lives with her now, going on 3 years they are together and I'm divorced as of 2 years ago. We are not in any contact anymore, but I've turned my life around and I'm in a good place despite the betrayal.

The reason I'm posting is not because your situation reminds me of mine because it doesn't. When I suspected my XH, and confronted him, he immediately came clean and moved out.

Your situation reminds me of what I see one of my closest friends in now in her marriage, so I wonder if my telling you about her will help you in any way.

Incidentally I don't know if your H is in a MLC either, but you do seem to have a situation where there is some form of infidelity, though perhaps it's emotional only, and yet that's very dangerous.

My friend is in a marriage of more than 10 years and with her H for about 20 give or take some time when they were apart prior to marriage but then got back together. She admits to me she married him for his stability and friendship and companionship, but that sex was never "that important" to her or him. They are essentially best friends and have at this point almost no sex.

7 years ago she fell for a co-worker. He was her older boss. She was enamored of him, looked up to him as a role model, wanted to follow in his footsteps. He was sort of "grooming" her for his job. She spent lots of time with him and other colleagues at happy hours and such. Eventually people would start to drift away and go home and then she'd find herself making excuses to her H to stay later but just "with work friends" so he never questioned. But it was just with the older boss. One day they ended up making plans to go out after work alone. Had the whole 9 yards, fancy dinner at a romantic place, complete with a strolling violin player. He kissed her in the restaurant. She didn't back down. Eventually she said she had to leave, got in her car, cried her eyes out, and then went home to her H. Told him nothing.

Later she told the coworker I can't do this, I'm married. So he said fine, and he backed off. At that point she told me (this is long before my XH's MLC or his infidelity). I told her "I think you should tell your H but tell him it's over and you should figure out why you did this." She didn't. She said "what he doesn't know won't hurt him. But I won't see the guy any more except at work." Well then after a few months, she starts it up again. And for 7 years now, they are together at least once a month for dinner alone, drinks alone, even going as far as going to his house alone.

She tells her husband she has to work late. He doesn't question her. She says if her husband did ask her "are you with X" she'd still say "yeah but it's work-related" (because incidentally, this guy voluntarily took a demotion and went back to his old job and now SHE has his old job. So she's HIS boss now). In fact she said if he ever questioned her she'd probably get angry and withdrawn (which is the way your H is acting). She admits to me she'd act like he had no reason to be suspicious and she would make him feel guilty for asking.

I said how long do you expect to keep this up? She said "indefinitely."

Why does she think it's ok? Because they don't touch each other. Simple as that. It doesn't matter that everything she does has the marks of an emotional affair, and I've even pointed her to online quizzes where if she was honest she'd say yes to every question. She thinks because it's not physical it's ok. She also thinks that because her H doesn't "do it" for her in terms of being "exciting enough, understanding enough of exactly how tough her job is when this guy 'gets it' because he's done it, etc." that it's ok to have this side thing going. She has no plans to ever come clean or to stop what she's doing. Despite the fact that she watched me have a nervous breakdown over being cheated on, she doesn't seem to think anything is wrong with her actions. (I think what's she's doing is far worse than my XH as my XH didn't live with me while he saw someone/was connected to someone for more than a month).

I can't stop her or talk sense into her at all. I've even threatened to cease my friendship with her. Didn't work. And I'm afraid to do that because her H will DEFINITELY know something is up if I follow through with that threat. And I'm not going to be the one to break this to him, but it kills me to have this secret.

In any case, when I read your description of your sitch it reminded me of hers in reverse. The acting like there is nothing going on, but the interest that goes over the line, it's the sign of an emotional affair.

You said your H commented on the way this woman was dressed, well after a dinner with my friend, her H, and the guy she's in love with, the guy texted her to say "nice boots." Normally that would mean nothing. But in the context of 7 years of flirting and hiding their relationship, "nice boots" means "I noticed how you looked even while your H sat across the table from me, and I couldn't say it in front of him, but I could text you privately as he drove you home." She of course lied and told her H it was "a work text."

I am a firm believer in instinct and intuition. I've just never seen anyone have intuitions about texts and such turn out to be wrong.

So what do you do?

I think you GAL--you do whatever you can to live your life and find your own happiness. No you don't walk around acting paranoid or suspicious. You act indifferent, you act like you have your own agenda and you are responsible for your own happiness. But you keep your eyes and ears open.

A lot of people amass evidence before they make accusations. It's terrible to have to do it, but honestly I WISH my friend's husband has suspicions enough to do it because she's NOT covering her tracks right now.

I don't mean to feed paranoia here at all, and I hope I'm wrong about your H, but it sounds like his excuses are the same as hers, and that silence in the last part, well, let's just say 3 women I know who have been cheated on recently (not married) ALL got that silence when confronted. It's a way of them NOT answering the question and making the women feel guilty for asking. If they don't answer they can say they didn't actually lie. It's very twisted.

I think if you have these gut feelings and you never had them before in your marriage, coupled with what I do think are inappropriate conversations on text (and I do think if they have stopped it's likely because he's deleting them but if you pay the bills you can get a record of the texts from the phone company) then your intuition is telling you something you need to pay attention to.

Good luck and I'll keep you in my thoughts.