ILYBINILWY

[AJM]

I've been reading a lot about men and their general distaste for any discussion about feelings. From what you presented, you seem to run against the "norm," at least based upon the published stats. Considering what I've read and applying it in reverse in your case, I can see how your W might interpret your actions in a negative way, and how you might consider her response as "not caring" when she clams up.

Um, no. Statistics can be interpreted a lot of ways and are always revised with "new" information. For example, did you know that half of all college students score below average on their entrance exams? It's a tragedy!

So this is wonderful in that it sounds like you and I are in the same position relationally in the discussion arena. So what do you do? I can certainly see that you would want to be less animated, less loud, less vocal in general

That's not what I read. What I read is that he wants to be more attentive. To be a better husband. To listen differently rather than the way he always has. Different perspective of the same words I guess...

It comes out as projecting and finding fault and blame, using other Rs as examples to your own, unique sitch. It comes out as you trying to make your H change to suit you, before you will change to suit the M that you want.

That's also what I've seen in this. Regardless of the intent, that is how it comes across. Likely to him as well. He seems to be digging his heals in...

The point is, I will be pleasant with her. Regardless of whether it saves our M. Not because I want her to change. Not because I want to be friends with her. Just because, that's how I want to interact with people.

Exactly. Why do it this way? Because it's how you want to be. It's about making yourself whole.

So again, the point is that I am doing for me, to make changes in me (or in many cases, to become the person I was, when we met; because that's who I am and how I like to be), and that is making my sitch better. Even though my M is done.

I would like it to be different, but I could say that about a whole lot of things that I can do absolutely nothing about

Like, you'd like to lose 10 lbs but haven't started yet? Oh wait, that's your H. You don't wait to change things, right?

Why is D such a bad thing in that case?

Because you didn't fix your own problems. You'll likely just a) destroy your child's self-esteem and b) carry the issues with you into the next R. That's life. Fix it now or fix it later.

It's the same thing with my H's office. He doesn't have a problem with it. I do. Who's right? It really doesn't matter, and can't be proven one way or the other by human standards. But if H is not willing or able to pick up after himself, and I'm not willing or able to get comfortable living his lifestyle, then what is the value in staying together?

Does he leave the cap off the toothpaste too?


I don't think it sounds like script in this case. If it did, you'd sound differently and likely wouldn't bother to be here at all. You seem genuine in figuring this out. I applaud this regardless of the outcome because it means you'll be working on you. You'll always have you regardless of whatever else is in your life. Make you the best, right?

Peace,
AJ