Thanks for the clarification, KD. I'm sorry your sitch didn't R. I get that not all do. I think maybe we're not that far off from each other afterall. I know I've mentioned before, if it weren't for S12, I would make the same decision you did. Do you regret it? It doesn't sound like you do. Instead, I'm detaching much like you did except doing it in the context of roommates/co-parents. I would like it to be different, but I could say that about a whole lot of things that I can do absolutely nothing about (like the fact that I didn't go to college 20 years ago.) I do what I can, prepare for what I can, and accept the rest for what it is. Discernment of the difference is the only real difficulty for me.
Subguy, I think this is where I have an odd perspective on the failure of M, perhaps. It sounds to me like your W was content with who/what she was. Rather than continuing to expect you to change to accommodate what she needed, she opted to leave you as you are and release you (aka D.) Afterall, problems are really only problems from the outside looking in. It is very possible that your W reflected on herself and didn't see anything she needed to change, but could see a ton of things that she didn't like to deal with in regards to you. You, on the other hand, perhaps saw nothing wrong with your actions and could see a slew of things that she did that you took issue with. Who's to say which is right? Neither of you were happy with each other. Why is D such a bad thing in that case?
It's the same thing with my H's office. He doesn't have a problem with it. I do. Who's right? It really doesn't matter, and can't be proven one way or the other by human standards. But if H is not willing or able to pick up after himself, and I'm not willing or able to get comfortable living his lifestyle, then what is the value in staying together? Some contest to see who can tolerate more? Who can be the bigger martyr? It seems like "freedom" is a gift to both of us, even if it comes in the form of D. Not just because of the office, but the entire list of grievances we hold against each other.
Otherwise, it sounds like cake-eating in M. "I want all the benefits of living my life as if I was single without having to live in consideration of a roommate, while reaping all the benefits of being M'd." I've asked H to clean his office. He hasn't. It's not that he's diametrically opposed to it, he just doesn't put in the effort. So how can I not possibly believe that his "indifferent, single, no roommate consideration lifestyle" is more important than me? How can I not possibly believe that he would very much enjoy living in a situation that he could pit out to his heart's content? A bonafide bachelor pad?
In the extreme, isn't this the same thing that happens with an EA? If my H is chatting up his college sweetheart and I tell him I don't like it, but he keeps doing it because he likes it and sees nothing wrong with it, how can I not possibly believe that his interest in his college sweetheart is more valuable to him than his interest in me? How is it different? How is it that I'm not doing him a favor by saying, "I see your priority and I don't have the right to demand something different. You are an adult and can make your own decisions. I grant you that privilege. Likewise, I'm going exercise my right as an adult and choose not to stick around"?
I'm sure this sounds like WAS script. It isn't any less sincere than the script played out by the LBS at BD.
