OK, try this .....go to top of the first page in Newcomers and look for Sandi's 37 Rules. They aren't rules at all....but the things in that list may help get you started.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Do you still feel that her having a PA would be a deal breaker for you? B/c if you do, it seems to me you need to decide to get the information on the A, or decide you don't want to know (and maybe have it haunt you from now on). I suggest you decide before she moves back. Before ever having sex with you again, she owes it to you to get tested.
You know she's in an EA, and I can promise you your M won't make it as long as there is a third party involved. Her feelings for you won't return as long as she's in any type of contact with OM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi at least at the moment, yes it would still be a deal breaker. As for a couple of months down the road if we can start making progress, I dont know. As of right now, I dont want to initiate any discussion about a PA unless a counselor is present. As for the EA, I'm not sure whether she is still involved. She says she isnt and again I dont want to initiate any discussion about the EA without a third party present. I had a pretty bad jealousy problem and right now as I am working on my own problems, if I can get over constantly wanting to know what she is doing or if she contacting someone, I will not make any progress in solving my own issues.
Probably more of a control issue, I never got physical and very rarely even got really angry but would voice my displeasure about certain situations which might turn into a heated but not angry discussion. I think maybe it was just the number of incidents and the frivolousness of some of them that caused her resentment.
I see, okay, thanks for answering my question. You know that her moving back in with you.....but not as your W, so to speak, will really test your jealousy. You still have all the normal feelings a H would have for his W, but she doesn't feel the same toward you.....and she may rub your face in the fact she'll do whatever she pleases. That's why I said the two of you need some ground rules. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for torture.
Something I've wondered about is why you would ask her back if you already felt your love for her was fading. Was she kind of putting you on the spot or did you feel a little trapped......is that why you asked her back "before you knew it".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think you are right. I am making strides as far as my jealousy goes. After my talk with her and acceptance of TOTAL responsibility for getting us where we are, I have been able to let go of a lot of feelings I had about wanting to constantly know what she is doing. I'm sure I'll have to read your rules many times to drill them into my head so I dont make too many missteps.
One reason to ask her back is the financial situation. I dont know how long I can stay here in our house by myself and she will have to move out of her situation at some point. I know I dont love her like I used to because I dont get those warm feelings just when I see her like I used to. But the fact remains I still deeply care for her and feel maybe it would help if she could actually see the changes that I have made to myself and that our home would be a safe place for her. What kind of ground rules are you talking about?
I know it will be tough but I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I cant imagine anything being that much worse than what I've already gone through.
On a good note for me, I am reconnecting with old friends and actually got out for the first time in months to go to a friend's New Years Eve party. Had a great time and met a lot of new people, though still hurting from the beer and shooters. Kinda gives you a boost to know that if things dont go your way there is life after.
