The PA of my W started around the 30-year anniversary reunion so I can very much relate to your situation. The best suggestion I have is not to make any rash decisions. All the best.
Sounds like you need to do some soul-searching and decide whether you want to save the M or not. It sounds like you're not sure.
Even though your sitch has been going on for quite a while, you've only been S for 5 weeks. S can change the dynamics quite a bit. Once W is out on her own she may very likely discover that the fantastic, perfectly happy life she was imagining is not really reality. And if she is continuing the R with OM, at some point she'll discover that that too is not the nirvana she had pictured. This realization can take many months, but once she gets there she may very well find herself missing you and finally appreciating all the changes you've made.
So you've got to decide whether or not you're willing to wait it out.
Been a while on an update. After hardly any communication between my wife and I, even at work, every time I would start a conversation she would reply with a snippy not so nice response. It seemed like she was getting angrier with me the longer we went without communicating. So I changed tactics and started trying to communicate several times a week even if for a short period. Now she responds in a nice fashion every time we speak.
I go through daily ups and downs where one day I want to be done with everything, get divorced and move on. Then the next day I am thinking that we can do this and what I have to do to save the relationship. A couple of days ago on one of the good days I blurted out an invitation to dinner this weekend and she accepted. The next day was a bad day and I was regretting the decision and thinking this can be nothing but bad news. So since I dont want to back out now, is there any advice on what I need to do or not do, or say or not say so this whole thing doesnt blow up in my face?
So after a month and a half of very little contact with my wife, I took her out to eat tonight. She was quite chatty and seemed to be happy which has been a big change since Thanksgiving. To anybody else we would have seemed like a happily married couple. After we ate I walked her out to her car and she brought up that at some point we were going to have to talk about our sitch. I told now was as good a time as any.
She told me that she cant stay at her friend's house forever and will have to move out at some point. I asked her if she had thought about moving back home because I cant afford to stay in our house for the long term by myself. She said it probably wouldnt be a good idea and if she did she would sleep in the other bedroom. She made it pretty clear that she still has no feelings for me and didnt want it to appear to me or the kids that we were making an attempt at reconciliation. She said she enjoyed being on her own and doing what she wants, coming and going when she pleases and she sees that as a problem as for me.
I told her that if she moved back in that I wouldnt push her to reconcile and would give her as much space as she needed but that being at home would be better than the sitch we are in now. I told her to think about it because we still have plenty of time before anything really has to be done.
There was so much positive that I can pull from tonight but I keep thinking of the negative. I think we both had a good time as far as the dinner went but I am kinda bummed out right now because she still has no feelings for me. Did I do the right thing tonight? What should I do for now? Any help in pointing me in the right direction would be appreciated.
HI, met. I think your W agreeing to have dinner w you was a good baby step forward.
And, the fact that she is thinking about moving back despite her current feelings is good too, even w the idea of separate bedrooms.
Try not to focus on the negatives (as we all do) b/c we are so concerned about the possible down-the-road end results of all this. NOne of us can predict our futures. Try to keep a PMA as much as possible.
Think about how YOU will feel if she does move back in. Can you continue to give her LOTS of space? She will need this!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I know it is easy to SAY I will give her lots of space, and I really do want to, but putting it into practice will be another matter. I didnt do a very good job of it before she moved out and hopefully will be able to do better if she moves back. I know I would have to do a much better job of keeping my mouth shut.
I feel like I will be able to do better though just because of my frame of mind of late. I had a talk with her 2 days ago when she had to drop off some stuff at our house. I swallowed every bit of pride I had and took full responsibility for EVERYTHING that has happened up till now. I told her that I knew exactly how she felt for all of those years, the loneliness, the anger, the frustration and that I had failed as a husband and a father to protect her heart and provide a place of safety for her emotionally. I told her I understood why she left and that I didnt know how she manged to stay as long as she did and that I admired her strength, courage, and character for doing so. She tried to tell that she realizes now that it was a 2 way street but I told her that maybe if I hadnt done or not done the things I did, then maybe that 2 way street would have stayed a 1 way street. I refused to let her take any blame for any of it.
I walked home wondering if I had done the right thing. I woke up the next morning and I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders. I was no longer worried about our relationship or what she was doing. These have been the best 2 days I've had in a long while.
You really need to post on a regular bases if you are serious about being here.
If the two of you intend to live under the same roof, you need to know the ground rules with her. She's made it plain that it isn't a step in R the M, so what is your plan?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry sandi, I'm just not very good at putting my thoughts into words, especially for the whole world to see, and especially to my wife, which is part of the reason we are where we are. As far as her moving back home,which is not for certain, I dont know what I'm going to do. I've been trying to think about how it would work but I am unsure where to start and I guess that was part of the reason for my one post. How do you give a spouse plenty of space when living under the same roof?
No need to apologize. Lots of people share your problem. We are here to try and support you. Newcomers are on monitored by the DB folks untils you've posted a few times. You can send just short posts a few times to start out.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
