Just FYI, CV... I know that I was not intending to make you feel "wrong" about your grandparent's sitch.
See, that's (part of) what we're really getting at, here. You appear to be feeling like people are trying to make you wrong... which may translates to your possible need to be right... which really boils down to your own hurt feelings which are likely because you do not feel appreciated and that your are being taken advantage of...
That's a convoluted way of saying:
You feel like you are not appreciated in the M, as a spouse, or even as an individual. For that reason, you are protecting yourself in the only way you know how. Right now, that still includes you feeling like you need to be right (or in your words, to be not be made wrong, by others) and also looking at other relationships to gauge what is right or wrong in your own M, rationalizing it all into an appropriate context that works for you. ie. You are being wronged by your H and are justified to be doing what you are doing.
Again, that's neither right nor wrong, good nor bad, it simply is an objective assessment of what appears to be going on, from your words on these threads.
That... is... (objectively) a common theme in the mind of a WAS.
It comes out as projecting and finding fault and blame, using other Rs as examples to your own, unique sitch. It comes out as you trying to make your H change to suit you, before you will change to suit the M that you want.
That, is how it appears... out here...
I am really happy you have been able to see some changes in the M (which are positive) which are a result of the changes you have made in yourself.
What is unfortunate is, those changes weren't a habit. They were a tactic. That they were not working for you, you decided you would not do them. Not because it made your M worse, but because your H appeared more happy and wanted to be more with you, which you are finding fault in, so you stopped.
You would have to want to continue to be pleasant with your H, regardless of whether it saved your M or whether your H became the man you want him to be.
Here's an example from my book:
I continue to be pleasant to my W, regardless. I don't want to be with her, but I'm still pleasant with her. I still maintain that I will not blame her for the break down of the M. I still look at what my responsibility was to that end and continue to work on those things.
Every interaction that I have with my W now, appears to be fairly pleasant. Even the one where she asked me to file D because she wanted to change back to her maiden name, and not have to pay for it.
This Christmas day, when I picked up D10, my W came to the door, looked at me, and said, "Merry Christmas". Completely out of the blue. I wished her a Merry Christmas, in return. We carried on with getting D10 out the door.
Do I think that my W has changed into a better person, now? No. Am I pleasantly surprised that my W wished me a Merry Christmas this year? Yes. Did I expect it? No. Do I suddenly want to be with her? No. Do I think that she has changed her mind and now wants to work on our M and possibly R? No.
The point is, I will be pleasant with her. Regardless of whether it saves our M. Not because I want her to change. Not because I want to be friends with her. Just because, that's how I want to interact with people.
It appears to be working.
In a perfect M... in a M that I would want to have with my W... it would look like this:
She would stop blaming me for things for her unhappiness. She would appreciate the things I do for her, or at the very least, not make negative comments on the things that I do for her, the kids, the household. She would spend time with me... WITH ME... by ourselves... no phone, no distractions... just her and I, spending quality time, together. We would spend more time being playful.
I do not ever see that happening with her, because she is not motivated to be that person with me.
OTOH, I would be more financially supportive towards the household. I would continue to do what she asked me to do, when she asked me to do it, in the way she wants me to do it, because that apparently allows her to be happy. It gives her what ever she needs to get, from those types of interactions. I don't need to know what her reasons or motivations are.
Again, the above is moot, as she does not want to be with me.
So again, the point is that I am doing for me, to make changes in me (or in many cases, to become the person I was, when we met; because that's who I am and how I like to be), and that is making my sitch better. Even though my M is done.
