I've been reading a lot about men and their general distaste for any discussion about feelings.
I don't know if I would describe it as a 'distaste' for discussions about feelings as much as I would describe it, generously as oblivious. Not willfully so... but naturally so. By nature, we see actions and reactions, and we don't always interpret those actions correctly. I thought my M was fine for months before the bomb. Evidently, they weren't because on the very surface they were. Looking back, I can see the signs... but that's of little help now. Now, I'm in the position that if I want a CHANCE at salvaging my M, I HAVE to pay attention to the 'feeling' part of it, in order to gain some kind of perspective.
Quote:
And that's great, but as you said yourself, that doesn't change her. You're still in a R with a person that doesn't want to talk. So where to you go with that? How do you build a healthy M without discussion? How do you feel connected without conversation?
Well, I'll tell you that it doesn't help. I can say that the more I try and listen, the more I hear what she's really saying without coming out and saying anything. She's been 'talking' for a long time, but it's not the way I want to talk. She'll let bits and pieces slip. She'll vent. She'll have a moment of regret and say something. She'll say and do things on purpose to see if I'll go off on a rant, and in that send me a message. It's maddening to be honest, but it's on me to listen to what she says, what she means, and it's on me to try and interpret. It's not a 'healthy' discussion by any mean, but if I want to fix this, then I don't have to wait on her to talk before I decide to listen.
Quote:
And perhaps it's his perspective that I'm too anal/perfectionist about his office. And it's his perspective that overall it just is not a problem that his office is a pit, that he's perfectly comfortable in dirt and clutter.
I told you that I see a lot of my wife in you. My wife loves the bed to be made. If it isn't made when we went to bed, she would make it, then get into bed. Me, I've never made the bed. It used to drive me crazy. We get to choose what drives us nuts. I'm a mess. I'm definitely the 'mad scientist' type. My W, on the other hand, loves to have everything 'put up', but she'll put things as opposed to put things up. So, we're in a full time scavenger hunt - even in good times. I'm 100% positive that she feels like you do, and I can see the other side. There are several solutions, but my guess is that your irritation with the office is probably more of a symptom of your bigger issues. It's kinda the way the sound of someone brushing their teeth is irritating when there are larger issues going on.
Quote:
Having done that, now what? What does that do for me/us?
Well, in the short term, it makes me a better man. It makes me listen to my kids a better. I makes me more compassionate. When I REALLY try and understand things from her perspective, it makes it harder to stay mad at her when she does or says something hurtful. It makes it easier for me to forgive.
In the middle term, instead of reacting to her as I usually would, instead of stoking the flames... I find it easier to roll with the punches and short circuit the death spiral we get into.
In the long term, W will recognize that she's the only one in the fight and perhaps... perhaps... figure out that she can approach me without the fear that I'm going to go into lecture mode.
Quote:
I'm still trying to heal and work on myself and don't have anything in me right now to go above and beyond.
I am sorry to hear that. I can't say this is easy. I can't say that it's easy to change my own nature - but natural hasn't worked for me, so I'm really trying super-natural. I also can't say that I'm doing alone. I've never spent more time on my knees praying in all of my life. I've never spent more time in the bible in all of my life. I've never learned so much about grace and forgiveness in all of my life.
I’ve never been willing to give so much of myself.
I'm learning more about myself than I have in my life, and through healing of myself. I'm learning strength, compassion, forgiveness. Through this, regardless of what W does, I will be a better man because of this.
