ILYBINILWY

[Crazyville]

KD, I don't need to be right regarding my gma's sitch. I just don't understand the need for the discussion to make me "wrong." I consider it pretty irrelevant whether I'm right or wrong about hers, as I definitely know my own position, that being I don't care to be treated like a servant. If I'm projecting my perspective onto her sitch, so what? It's not like I'm discussing it with her and advising her that she needs to dump my deceased gpa because of the way he treats her. I'm not sure how this has even become such a focus topic.

You are still wanting your H to change. That waiting, makes you stuck. Stuck, makes you frustrated. Frustrated allows you to keep doing what you are doing, which does not appear to be helping you.

How am I stuck? What am I waiting for? The rest of my life is exactly how I would have it even if I was D'd from H. My R with H is simply what it is. It has changed. It has calmed (cooled?) significantly. We don't discuss our issues anymore, so there's more time to do our own things. There really isn't any conflict anymore. It just isn't any closer either.

I'm sorry you can't see change in me. I feel like I've changed a lot, especially in regards to my anger and expectations. I used to ask, "How do I get him to clean his office?" Now I ask, "How do I manage a healthy M when I know he's not going to honor my request to clean it?" Instead of asking, "How do I get him to turn his music down," I ask, "How do I still want to be in the same room with him when his music hurts my ears?" Instead of asking, "How do I get him to stop stealing a puzzle piece," I ask, "How do I deal with someone that steals my thunder and still enjoy being around him?" I don't expect him to stay awake during movies, and it doesn't even bother me anymore because I don't expect it to be an experience that we share. I don't think I'm doing much anymore to try to improve the R itself, just trying to figure out how I can maneuver some of the unpleasant realities associated with living with another (different) person.

HE will MATCH to YOUR changes... WHEN YOU CHANGE...

I meant to catch up on the challenge you gave me several weeks ago, to say something complimentary to him everyday. I was doing that up until a couple of days ago, but then intentionally stopped. It seems that my complimenting him makes him happy, and when he's happy, he rewards himself, (like rewarding himself with a cookie after losing 10 pounds on a diet,) and his method of rewarding himself is taking something from me. I found that he was encroaching on my boundaries again, expecting things from me that I'm clearly not ready for, like sex, so I stopped. So, sorry, but I guess I failed that challenge, not for lack of effort but because I didn't like the result.

How are you going to change, to make change in your R?
Are you motivated to actually doing that, permanently?

I can't answer that, KD, until I understand what "that" is.