Subguy, what's the difference in your case between a boundary and controlling? I'm sure there's more to it than what you wrote but you said that her "threatening me with divorce so that only I change" is controlling. I look at that as simply a boundary: "I have this issue with you; I don't care to have you treat me this way anymore; if you continue I will D you." The definition of boundaries is something I've always struggled with, I think mostly because H condemns my healthy boundaries so all it gets skewed in my head, so I'm just curious as to your perspective.
Well... I'm leaving because you have all the issues and you need to change not me. What would that sound like if your husband said that to you? If she said: "I have gone to counselling and you refuse. I have said we need to change or I need to leave to protect myself. I will give it my all and if you do not then I will have to leave." Just curious which one sounds controlling and which one sounds like protecting a boundary? Now with that, understand no abuse happened here: no mental, physical, spiritual or fiscal abuse. She dropped the bomb refuses to go to counselling (by herself for herself or with me) and left me with all the bills, house and swimming pool. I don't hate her, in fact I love her and hope she finds what she is looking for. At this point we have a different opinion on how to find happiness. I want contentment with myself with slices of life sprinkled in, the good the bad and the in between. I will stop judging my life by how I feel this minute, week, or month. Because my feelings will change as life unfolds for me. I hope this makes sense, I am not the best at expressing myself through writing.
Originally Posted By: Crazyville
My question (to which you said I was justifying) was just in response the many, many suggestions I read about people needing to "get happy with themselves." I absolutely agree that that's very important, even critical. But then what? It doesn't make us invincible. It doesn't mean we won't still be annoyed or get angry. It doesn't automatically make the other person look better in our eyes, in fact sometimes it makes them look worse because we're no longer willing to accept the cr@p. So then what? (Sorry if I came across badly in my question.)
Thats the point once you are good with you eg. healthy boundaries, good self esteem, etc. then making those decisions comes from a positive mind set not a dysfunctional one. Either this relationship needs to be healthy or your next. Do you want to carry your baggage from this R to another and go thru this crap again?? That is if you two go separate ways. I will agree that once we are happy with ourselves (a big catch phrase) things will not become magically good in all aspects of our lives, it just makes dealing with the bad so much easier.
Only you can say if your relationship is toxic but without working out your problems first, can you really say you would make a good decision for you? It's tough and painful as you well know.
I really wish you the best and all the happiness you can scratch out of life.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
