I just wanted to add something here for your consideration, CV:
Early on in my relationship with my W, I was motivated to be with her. For that reason, I did things I thought would please her. To not upset her. That worked (from my perspective) because the goal was to be with her, get married, have kids, and grow old, together. Now, from a boundary perspective, I would not make her breakfast in bed every Sunday morning (like her grandfather did for her grandmother) because it seemed to me like that was a bit of servitude. Something I was not prepared to do.
I could have done it and thought of it not as servitude, but rather that it was something that I wanted to do because it helped keep us connected. It would show her that I loved her. Her LL is possibly acts of service or more likely gifts. Breakfast in bed fulfils either of those LLs.
That said, it is not the fact that I did not provide her breakfast in bed every Sunday morning that ruined our R. Although it IS possible that it has become (one of) the reason(s) for our failed M.
Where I am going with this is, as time went on and I became jaded about the M (and certainly she was becoming jaded, as well... it was just that I can only go by my experience and perspective), I became less engaged on things that kept us connected (as in physical touch is also likely my W's LL). I did continue to provide acts of service, so it's possible that is not her LL, as it became very apparent that my acts of service were not good enough, from her perspective. But I continued to not buy her gifts, so again, it leads me to think that touch and gifts (rather than acts of service) are her LLs.
I say the above only as context. My context... of MY PERSPECTIVE... I have absolutely no idea what her thoughts and perspective are, around the breakdown of our M. Only that either I'm "not M material", that I did not provide enough financially to the family, that I did not pay enough attention to her when she wanted my attention.
That said, she changed in our R. She stopped engaging me as well. It was when she started (at minimum) emotionally engaging other men in a way that is similar to how one might engage a spouse, while also emotionally disengaging me at the same time, that became my motivation to truly change the M.
I left.
That did not help me save my M. But it certainly helped me in a big way, because eventually I stopped feeling like I was walking on eggshells. It allowed me to stop feeling like I was being taken advantage of. It allowed me to take a different look at our M and realize that, I no longer wanted to be with a woman who I felt did not appreciate me.
So in the end, what I did was for me. It did not cause my W to change. It simply allowed me to be better.
If my W would have changed because of my actions and wanted to work on the M, then I would be telling a different story, right now. It might be a story that I made changes, which changed my M, which allowed us to R.
But that... doesn't matter...
I am better now...
Until we are motivated to change ourselves... no matter how that looks... our sitch won't change... saying that one is motivated to change is quite different that actually changing...
