Thanks for stopping in, Knightyme, and for sharing about your sitch.
I've been reading a lot about men and their general distaste for any discussion about feelings. From what you presented, you seem to run against the "norm," at least based upon the published stats. Considering what I've read and applying it in reverse in your case, I can see how your W might interpret your actions in a negative way, and how you might consider her response as "not caring" when she clams up.
So this is wonderful in that it sounds like you and I are in the same position relationally in the discussion arena. So what do you do? I can certainly see that you would want to be less animated, less loud, less vocal in general. And that's great, but as you said yourself, that doesn't change her. You're still in a R with a person that doesn't want to talk. So where to you go with that? How do you build a healthy M without discussion? How do you feel connected without conversation?
And I get the need to consider both perspectives. So great, let's say hypothetically, I take it upon myself to really, really understand H's perspective, which will be a miraculous accomplishment since any sort of discussion is off the table for us. So let's say that I understand that he wants an office because it makes him feel successful, and I ignore the fact that he doesn't do anything in there except shop ebay or craigslist, watch NCIS reruns, and prowl youtube. Oh, yes, and for a while, he was watching porn and secretly emailing his college sweetheart. But I'm going to ignore that because it's "my" perspective that those things are bad. It's his perspective that those things make him feel good. And it's his perspective that the dirty Kleenex on the floor is not a problem, or at least not enough of a problem to bend over and pick them up. And perhaps it's his perspective that I'm too anal/perfectionist about his office. And it's his perspective that overall it just is not a problem that his office is a pit, that he's perfectly comfortable in dirt and clutter.
Having done that, now what? What does that do for me/us?
I'm not sure what you read, but just to clarify, H has been the one that has lied and destroyed my trust. You're really being a great person by taking the approach of "giving" like you are. I confess that I'm not there right now. I'm still trying to heal and work on myself and don't have anything in me right now to go above and beyond.
