Subguy, what's the difference in your case between a boundary and controlling? I'm sure there's more to it than what you wrote but you said that her "threatening me with divorce so that only I change" is controlling. I look at that as simply a boundary: "I have this issue with you; I don't care to have you treat me this way anymore; if you continue I will D you." The definition of boundaries is something I've always struggled with, I think mostly because H condemns my healthy boundaries so all it gets skewed in my head, so I'm just curious as to your perspective.
To your question, yes, I have/do work on me. It's something I've just always done. I grew up with very little and absolutely no sense of entitlement, so if there was something I wanted, it was up to me to do what I needed to get it. Simple. Change is not difficult for me, at least not if it's something I want to change. There's a lot of things I could be better at, but I just don't care enough about them to do it (like keeping my toenails painted.) Other things that I care about, even big things, are not a problem for me to change. It's tough in our R because H finds it impossible to change even the simplest thing, like placing his car keys in a regular place so he can find them in the morning when he needs to go to work.
I have explained to H why I need the office clean. That's why he initially agreed to keep it tidy or he would give it up. I have called BS on it, I've reminded him of his promise and said I need for him to give it up. He just doesn't, says other guys have offices and he should be able to have one too. So he still has it and it's still pitted out. Now what? For me, it has resulted in a daily loss of respect for him, because I interpret his lack of response as daily disrespect of me. He knows what I want, he knows what he promised, he isn't diametrically opposed to it being clean, he just doesn't do it. For example, right now he's laying on the couch watching tv.
I have given him the "speech," but it wasn't a bomb drop. It was more of a boiling frog scenario. The only real reaction I ever got from him was how wrong I was for "threatening D," that it betrayed his trust in me, that if I do then I'm a bad Christian and not a person of my word. He knows I'm currently only sticking around until S12 is out. He always "wants" to change, just like he always wants to lose some weight, he just doesn't.
My question (to which you said I was justifying) was just in response the many, many suggestions I read about people needing to "get happy with themselves." I absolutely agree that that's very important, even critical. But then what? It doesn't make us invincible. It doesn't mean we won't still be annoyed or get angry. It doesn't automatically make the other person look better in our eyes, in fact sometimes it makes them look worse because we're no longer willing to accept the cr@p. So then what? (Sorry if I came across badly in my question.)
