First of all, CV, I enjoyed reading your posts because it really has given me a little insight into my W.
Second, I don't do advice... all I can do is state what I would/am doing.
I think the most important thing for me to remember... and perhaps the hardest... is that nothing, nothing nothing I can do will make my W change. The ONLY thing I have control over in my life is myself. I can't make my children change. I can't make my W change. I can't make my boss change. I can't even make my own dog change, but I can.
I can change the way I communicate. I'm naturally a very animated talker. My voice raises and my arms move and I like to stand up and pace as I'm delivering my 'speeches'. I know, now, that speaking like that comes across as lecturing, my voice comes across as yelling, and my arm waving comes across as someone who is inches from completely losing it. None of that is true, but sometimes truth isn't nearly as important as perception.
I can change my perception. I'm am open person - when I feel it, I say it. When I'm upset, I say I'm upset... and often times communicated it as mentioned above. My W is the opposite. When she gets upset, she closes down, and that's not a good combination. From my perspective, she doesn't 'care' enough to express her feelings, which makes me more upset, which makes her close down more, which makes me more upset... I need to change my perception and TRY to look at it from her point of view. It's hard. It's not 'fair' - she SHOULD try and look at it from my point of view, but then I would be forgetting the most important thing... I cannot change her. I can only change myself... so I have to look at things through HER eyes and see if there is any way I can change myself - not necessarily to simply 'live with it', but to see if there is a better way to express my feelings without the 'head on fire' 'lectures'. There are a host of issues in our M that I can/will/need to look at through her eyes. I mean, we can sit down across the table from one another, set a coin on edge between us – describe the coin from our perspective and convince ourselves that we’re both looking at completely different coins. It’s not until the coin is looked at from both sides do you realize that it is the same coin. It’s been the same coin all along, and I truly believe in my heart of hearts that it DOES only take one person to START looking at both sides of the coin to open up the lines of OPEN and HONEST discussion to lead to both parties to see both sides of the coin.
Your post BTW, has helped with perspective... thank you.
Lastly, for now at least, I'm trying to be more giving. I see a lot of my W in your posts. I thought I read a couple pages back where you would lie to H just to make things better. My W would do that, which has caused trust issues. So... I'm going to GIVE my wife trust. She hasn't earned it - she doesn't 'deserve' it, but I'm going to give it. I'm going to GIVE her understanding. I believe in my heart that she is 100% wrong in a lot of areas, but I'm going to GIVE her the gift of trying to understand her PERSPECTIVE.
One other thing. I've been working, in my own mind, on a description of what a truly good husband would be, and I'm going to be that. That doesn't require anything from my W. I'm going to be faithful. I'm going to be honest. I'm going to be compassionate. I'm going to be a good listener. I'm going to put God back in his place in my life. I'm provide for my wife and kids the to the best of my ability and as selflessly as I can. I'm going to do that NOW. I'm not going to wait until W decides what she wants to be a willing participant.
I am the only one that I have to look at in the mirror each morning, and I want to know that the man I'm looking at is a good man. I'm not perfect, and I understand what I've done in my part towards driving a wedge into our marriage, and I only have control of that man in the mirror.
