ILYBINILWY

[AJM]

AJ, I don't know what my H is still getting out of the R, so I don't know how my perspective can be skewed.

safe to say that you just have different perspectives of the same situation? And leave it at that?

BTW, you didn't answer MY question. I asked how in the world do we "figure it out, together" when R discussion is completely off the table? And, no, I'm not assuming this to be true about my H, I know it to be true. He has pointed it out to me. He's said to me, "Thirty seconds ago, I was cold. Now look at me. All you have to do is start a conversation and I'm instantly hot and sweating, and my heart is pounding out of my chest."

How do "we" figure it out together? For starters there has to be a "we". Until that's settled, it's pretty tough to even care about the other issues.


As for the perspective on your Grandparents: personally, it's ok that you don't see the same things. I do take umbrage at this:

And I suspect if that's the general attitude of the LBS toward the WAS's sitch, then it's a wonder that any M's are saved with MWD's approach or any other for that matter.

. That just seems like frustration and lashing out on your part. I can tell you that many many lbs' do change only to be told it's too late. Some of us don't (I contorted, but didn't change - it wasn't about me though and she didn't even make it about me until close to a year in and 6months post BD). I also know that many WAS' later think that they told their partner to change and when they didn't, they got frustrated and left. Some actually do tell them. Others think they did, but that's when we learn there are three sides to the story: yours, mine, and the truth. The fourth dimension to that is the perspective but no rabbit holes this time, ok?

(Only one note: I think it's absurd to think that any W in her right mind would value being treated like a servant, first by her H and then by her 5 boys that followed in daddy's footsteps.)

You just don't get that somebody can have a different need or different view. I understand that. I personally don't care for the servant/master relationship either. Not my thing. So one has to ask why grandma didn't snap years ago. Have affairs, leave, get a job and let her H fend for himself and raise the five boys. Plenty of other women did it. Kenny Rogers wrote a song about it. Can you explain why she didn't? Was she not in her right mind?

I know you don't understand some of those rabbit holes or questions with infinite answers. Not all questions can be answered. But they are still worth asking for the thoughts they invoke. There are a lot of things you have yet to have considered as we try to help you solve this puzzle. Since you don't have the answer, and since you aren't stupid perhaps some different thinking is what will help. Maybe not. You might get too irritated outside your thought bubble and decide to stop thinking. Logical people that enjoy a set path often do not like to be challenged in their thinking. My image is that you are a very logical and methodical thinker by nature and by trade.

Who knows though right? We all look alike on my screen

AJ