Well, I'm not sure if it would have taken the ILYBNILWO speech for me. Looking back over our relationship I see the controlling behavior my wife had and tactics she used to "change me". I will never go back to that relationship now! WE both must change, if we both do not our relationship will never work. I the "LBS" CANNOT be the only one that changes. I understand right now and for some time I will be the only one working on our relationship. Threatening me with divorce so that only I change and work through pain etc. is just that, a threat and another controlling behavior.

I guess the question is have you really worked on you?? I read in your posts a lot of he just pisses me off. What I do not read is I am correcting this about me because it impacts my relationship in this way and it is a healthy way to live. I'm not saying change to kiss his rear end, change for the positive. If you have really done the work and he refuses to change then I think you have your answer.
* To be fair I have not read all of your posts maybe you have said those things, please correct me if you have.

I think it is important to explain why YOU need his office to be clean. It may not be important to him (obviously). He cannot read minds so let him know. Boundaries is not about being a door mat, it's about you controlling you. Sometimes that's removing yourself from the situation as in your playing loud music scenario, Or calling BS over an agreement that you two made about keeping the office clean.

Have you given the "speech" yet?? If so did your husband react and want to change??

I don't think we're required to be in relationship with everyone just because we're "happy" with ourselves. And there has to be something in-between, something between toxic and wonderful. Doesn't it stand to reason that if my H chooses to play his music really loud (hypothetically) and I ask him not to but he does it anyway, that it's reasonable for me to remove myself from the room? Do I have to stay there and deal with it simply because I'm "happy?"

lol now your justifying, I never said or implied that.

You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.