Some progress after 2+ months of DBing

[Wendylon]

Thank you Tori and Regretful.

I have been to Al-Anon off and on in the last thirty years. I actually enjoy this board more than I do Al-Anon meetings and find this more helpful. I figure the philosophy is very similar--detachment, working on one's own stuff, and GAL.

You're right, Regretful, re my M: "plenty annoying but tolerable enough". I don't think I have the patience of a saint though in any altruistic sense. My goal to have a better M is self-serving and calculated. I think it's my best option.

Eight years ago, I had two friends whose Hs were also having As when mine was. They didn't DB. Both are now D and I have to say that I'd hate to have to deal with what they have to deal with. They both thought I was mad when I was DBing. When they were first free and dating their lives looked much more exciting than mine.

Now, however, they have to deal with the OW (both Hs stayed with OW) and they have endless financial problems with their xHs. They keep going back to court. I'm not saying that all Ds are like that by any means but I'd rather be in my sitch. They both say that they'd rather be in my sitch too.

I guess I've also witnessed my mother who is on to her third husband. I'm cynical about love and marriage. I've seen her madly in love with H2 and H3. It all seems to come back to the same level of overall happiness after a while and H3 is a real piece of work. I'm not sure she was any worse off with H1 (my father) or H2 (my half-sister's father). She's the one who left them.

I think my H needs relatively little emotional contact. I know he is absolutely head over heels with the kids and yet he seeks them out pretty infrequently. He went to a football game with D15 yesterday. They had a great time and that will be enough contact for a while. The kids all have good relationships with him--very easy ones and he has a light touch with them. He is always available to drive them anywhere whatever time of day or night but he doesn't hang out with them much in the house--except for S13 who is is looking after right this minute.

He just came up to get S13's clothes and I noticed that he was going to be putting a pyjama top on him. I mentioned it and took it out of the pile of clothes he was bringing down to S13 and then did a 180 and said, "Actually, it's a good idea to use that as an undershirt".

Sometimes, I worry that H gets to be emotionally distant and yet reap all the benefits of being part of a family. I do still pursue him with conversation (not R convo) but I've noticed that I'm sort of needy for contact around him. I don't disturb him as much as I used to but if he enters my sphere, I pounce on him with words. I will try to pull back a bit and see if that makes any difference to him approaching me.