when do I start piecing ?

[25yearsmlc]

77,

I'm sorry you are here, but it IS the best place to be, given the givens, which stink...

Your w is VERY confused. Is she seeing a counselor? Are you?

I wonder if her parents would support the idea...she's a mood swinger for sure...

take ALL her comments with a pound of salt and unless she repeats something a few times, I'd probably pay it little attention. Too much changing too fast
if she seems to expect a reaction from you then say you need time to process her mixed signals...or whatever

At the end of this post I'll send you a short piece on DETACHMENT, which you clearly need to work on, like most of us here...
.

yes you are definitely right on that call AS...there is all this fairy tale stuff no one is taught the work that goes into making a relationship work...so at the first sign of trouble is time to take off...

True, and many think the "work" of marriage is all drudgery, like digging a ditch in a jungle. But in our daily lives, our "work" IS our life, living it as best we can, fully and with grace and joy and strength and dignity...

you do it and you embrace it, the ups and downs and the smooth and the rough, AND over TIME, it bonds us and makes the tapestry of life for us, in all its' complexities and beauty and depth, and pain...


I got a call from D11 tonight crying saying "mom said she is not coming back!" She asked me to come over which I did and talked to W who quoted me all these people who had given her advice etch..

so, no counselor or professional or priest or clergy? INteresting choice of who she "polls" b/c apparently she is presently lacking a moral compass

or she cannot find hers. It's in a foggy place hidden and we can all just hope and pray she finds it soon enough...but don't judge her (not to her face at least)

b/c the more you challenge her choices, the more you force her to defend them.

Do not do that. it does not help you...trust me.

As a lawyer, I was SURE my brilliant logical and compassionate and passionately reasoned arguments would prevail

and in a court room, I'm sure they would have. But my h was deaf to my words...just more "arguing" to him. I HAD to force myself to stfu and NOT argue with him....no point in it and it almost always escalated.

So I dropped the rope and began to believe, truly, that I'd be better off than he would be. He would lose more than me. Like you, I'd get most of the custody (I think you will too, if you want it and IF I'm interpreting your posts correctly)

once you believe you'll be alright, you radiate that, and it gives the WAS some doubt. It really does... Start GAL for real, and begin to accept that you might just be a single man again

and the world won't end...and you wont' be alone for a long long time

unless

you want to be...and let this belief in yourself and your future and what you will create for yourself AND your daughters

show...



and I said yes well tell me which one of those people is not emotionally unstable and does not have a terrible relationship with their kids...is this who you want to take advice from.? It makes me made how W just dropped bomb on kids like that;

don't argue. You can recap for her so 1) you know you heard her correctly and you show her that you care about her communicating with you

and

2) so SHE hears what SHE said, b/c sometimes I swear they don't hear themselves...




it does help me detach; I do have daydreams of being with someone who actually cares about their M.

we all do this^^^ and I don't think it's bad - as long as you don't let it spiral out of control...b/c I think in a way it steers us,

as it MAY have steered our spouses into giving up. But if you want to stay married, do it b/c you want to stay married, NOT b/c you fear being alone.

THere's a difference. When I saw a div lawyer, I felt empowered by the information. I CHOSE to DB b/c I wanted to, not b/c I was trapped. Somehow it really helped me feel at peace.

..and their kids and does not think it is "uncool" to be a mom in a monogumus relationship.

unless you wife SAID this^^ to your face (and even then, I'd wonder...)

I would not mind read. It's usually inaccurate, always unfair, and counter productive...

much like a lot of the people on here..I think W will never know what she had until it is gone but the problem will be that it is gone...So W told me she is not ready to D but she is not in the I am coming back camp...

So the saga continues...check my timeline to see how long it CAN last...

watch what example you set for your daughters b/c they are watching you MORE than you realize.

I'm not sure what you see as YOUR issues or what your 180s are

or what self improvement you are seeking to become the man you want to become...

a man only a fool would leave...

And let me remind you also, this KEY fact...

YOUR WIFE WILL NOT RETURN TO THE MARRIAGE,

UNLESS SHE BELIEVES-

MARRIAGE TO YOU CAN BE BETTER/DIFFERENT, THAN BEFORE.


So how are you SHOWING that to her?

And here's a piece on detachment...

I'll post more later though.

Meanwhile, all this should give you something to ponder.

Good luck...

"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded, & then we are more inclined to do/say things that will undermine our goals.

We cannot control the actions of another.

We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference, with love. Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal.

It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back."

It is the natural acceptance that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."