Subguy, I think we might be saying the same thing, just differently. I referred to it as "life as they know it is threatened," you referred to it as "change being the less painful option." I believe anyone can change, but they have to be motivated to do so. The question is "what" does it take to arrive at that point? Unfortunately, it appears that many, many times, it's the ILYBINILWY speech and pending S or D.
I agree that it's critical that you're happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else or anyone else can be happy with you. But even once you're happy with yourself, I don't think that means you're invincible and no one can affect you. There are toxic relationships that you're better off cutting ties completely. I don't think we're required to be in relationship with everyone just because we're "happy" with ourselves. And there has to be something in-between, something between toxic and wonderful. Doesn't it stand to reason that if my H chooses to play his music really loud (hypothetically) and I ask him not to but he does it anyway, that it's reasonable for me to remove myself from the room? Do I have to stay there and deal with it simply because I'm "happy?"
I know that a lot of M problems are deep and complicated. Some problems manifest themselves that are rooted in childhood issues. But many of them aren't. How difficult is it to communicate/understand that I need for his office to not be a pit? How many times do I have to hear "I'll clean it tonight, before I go to bed" and it doesn't happen before I get to call B.S.? When we set it up, he promised me he would keep it neat or give it up. It has never been neat in, oh I don't know, 8 years? But he isn't about to give it up either like he said.
In all these instances, I'm just looking for suggestions on how to go forward in a M, how to make it somehow palatable for me, so that my solution doesn't require his changing since it appears he's not going to, regardless of whether he "can" or not. Does it really require a discussion of whether or not it should be important to me whether his office is neat or not? Do I have to explain that I don't need it white-glove clean, just that I'm tired of the used Kleenex that have been on the floor for months? Does it boil down to either I walk around the Kleenex or I pick them up myself, because those are my only two options, and still somehow I can call it a great R because we're not arguing about it? Does my gma's true perspective on her M really have any relevance to the used Kleenex on the floor and the fact that *I* don't care to be H's maid? Sure, I could hire a cleaning lady to pick up the Kleenex. What about the boxes that are sitting around on the floor from his last job change a year and a half ago? Throw them away? Great, which means he'll toss the first thing of mine that he can get his hands on, even if it's only been out of place for 10 minutes. Wow! That sounds fun! Still a healthy M?
Sorry, I'm getting frustrated. I'm getting so tired of peeling my own onion. I just want to get on with life. I just need to know how. I'm really trying to salvage my M, but I don't want to lose "me" in the process. I actually LIKE me.
