I've been married for 21.5 years and have two teenage daughters. I thought I had a 100% secure marriage, we shared mutual goals and hopes for the future. We loved to travel and spend family time together. It was very surprising when I came home from visiting family with my daughters to find him moved out. We had been in a "slump" since the spring with a lot of stress with him working too much and kid stuff. But I thought we just needed to reconnect and that was the plan upon my return. He's been gone 6 months today.
I had the divorce busting book this summer and did my best at putting the rules into practice. But with him moving out, my not contacting him seemed to allow his disconnection even further and we literally never talk now. And he hardly sees our girls, I know he tries to text them but they're busy and are still angry.
As it turned out, he'd been having an affair since at least early June. I don't know if the relationship continues and I didn't even find out until late October. We went to 2 therapy sessions in October before I knew, but then when I found out he'd been lying and had no conscience about it the discussions halted promptly. We never talk but have a daughter applying to colleges for next year so I know we'll have to have a conversation about taxes and college soon. I just found out (by snooping online) that he is going to file for divorce in "the new year".
My daughters and I have been struggling through the shock and grief but, knowing his intention to file for divorce soon, it feels that, by not pursuing my husband that I'm just giving him permission to leave. It feels like I'm agreeing or equally throwing away my marriage. And, although it would be the hardest thing ever, if his heart was in it I could move on from the affair. I take responsibility for my part in the failure of our marriage (and have told him so). I still want our family to be together. But how do I fight for my marriage if I'm passive? Do I at least try to convey that I still want our marriage. In my heart I don't feel it'd do any good anyways. He's made his decision, probably made it a very long time ago.
