I do think you pegged it, though, with "She says she tried telling me, however all she did was complain and nag." I think that's my H to a tee. But for me, even your suggestion of using the words, "when you do x, y, and z it makes me feel like _____," doesn't work with H. Are you sure it would have worked with you? From what I read from Stosny, it seems like men (in their natural state) aren't receptive to anything the resembles a R discussion. At least not until life as they know it is threatened. He writes, [quote]"Talking about feelings, which is soothing to women, makes men physically uncomfortable," says Stosny, the Maryland-based author of You Don't Have to Take It Anymore and an expert on male aggression. "There's literally more blood flow to their muscles. They get fidgety, and women think they're not listening. A man's greatest suffering," Stosny says, "comes from the shame he feels when he doesn't measure up—which is why discussing relationship problems (i.e., what he's doing wrong) offers about as much comfort as sleeping on a bed of nails."
I would like to say that I would have responded in a positive way. However I honestly do not know because it did not happen that way. We both took on roles in our relationship. We both did not know how to really communicate and listen to each other. A lot of tit for tat happened on both sides. I would have to say that she did not listen to me just as much as I did not listen to her. I do believe that people can change. We usually only change (I mean real change) when the pain of change is less than the pain of stay in the current situation. Her response to the pain is to walk away. My response to the pain is to try and look at my actions/behaviors and correct as much as I can. My wife refuses go to counseling (I have offered to pay for her own counselor even if we do get a divorce). She says that she does not need to go that the problem is with me. I also do not believe that men are incapable of change unless threatened, again its all about which way is perceived as less painful. I think changing myself in the long run will be less painful, my wife thinks leaving and finding someone else is less painful.
Changing me is the only way for me to truly be happy. My wife, children, job what ever does not make me happy. I make me happy. We all go through periods in our lives when we are sad, happy or in a depressed mood. If we are okay with who we are, it makes getting through the tough times bearable. So when the good times come we can really appreciate them. I know it sounds narcissistic but I think it's crucial to be okay with ourselves. Without that we cannot love or be loved without it being toxic. IMHO
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
