In Limbo

[AJW]

Hello all, brand newbie here. I'll try to keep this brief if I can.

Married 6 years with a 5 year old daughter. The last two years have been particularly cold and distant, although we've managed to create a warm, consistent environment for our daughter for the most part. Unfortunately I actually mentioned divorce two years ago and I said we should go to counseling. Two sessions and not much effort - we ended up back to the status quo of not communicating and I retreated into myself, while my wife started building a wall between us and was able to develop relationships outside our marriage at her work. Most recent news is that I started to see a more drastic change in her behavior – going to parties with single work friends, getting drunk and not coming home until wee hours of morning, constantly on iPad/phone. I ended up finding suggestive texts that hinted at infidelity and confronted her. She denied at first and then I pressed her about messages. She assumed that I was ready to give up and she unloaded about how unhappy she’s been (which she fairly easily hid from me for some time). She had completely hardened herself to me and I was too consumed with my own thoughts and selfishness to notice. But instead of throwing in the towel, I’ve made it clear that I want to save the marriage and that I love her.

Right now she’s still at home, but has expressed that she mostly stays for our daughter and my words/actions have little impact on her. I ran into some talk about “180 plan” and then followed the trail to the Divorce Busting website. I’ve seemingly done all the wrong things up until now but am trying to turn a corner. I’ve tried to rekindle the romance, plan dates, pursue her, reason with her, spy and monitor phone calls/texts/social networking, etc. etc. My emotions have been all over the place and I’ve come off desperate and needy. It’s so hard for me to stay cool and collected in this situation. I want it to be fixed and I want her to give up this other life she’s been leading and see us as a family again. And I so badly want to be a better man all-around. Hindsight is always 20-20 I guess. I wish I could go back.
Anyway, this is probably old news, but I’m looking for any kind of support I can get and this seems like a good place. I have reached out to friends and am trying to keep my head in the game as best I can.

[banjopicker]

So you pressed her on the messages. Were you able to confirm an A?

The past two years were cold and distant. But what brought you to that point where you went for C? What changed? What happened?

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

[AJW]

How do I balance GAL and detaching with being available? I know one of my wife's primary complaints with me in the marriage has been my depression, emotional unavailability and distance. This is where I get really insecure about divorce busting because I want her to see that I'm engaged and making necessary changes, but of course I don't want to come off needy or desperate...

[AnotherStander]

She assumed that I was ready to give up and she unloaded about how unhappy she’s been (which she fairly easily hid from me for some time). She had completely hardened herself to me and I was too consumed with my own thoughts and selfishness to notice.

Don't underestimate this, I have first-hand experience at just how impenetrable that wall is. When she says she's done she well and truly means it. That doesn't mean there's no chance, but it does mean you've got a long road ahead of you.

But instead of throwing in the towel, I’ve made it clear that I want to save the marriage and that I love her.

That's fine that you said it once, but don't say it again and definitely don't beat her over the head with it. Every time you say ILY you're reminding her that you both want different things. It's pressure.

I’ve seemingly done all the wrong things up until now but am trying to turn a corner.

That's OK, nearly all of us started out on the wrong foot.

I’ve tried to rekindle the romance, plan dates, pursue her, reason with her, spy and monitor phone calls/texts/social networking, etc. etc.

Just to be clear, you're not doing any of this now are you?

I want it to be fixed and I want her to give up this other life she’s been leading and see us as a family again.

And it may happen, but it's going to take months and months of hard work on yourself.

And I so badly want to be a better man all-around.

This isn't optional if you want to save your M. This is what you must do. Become the spouse only a fool would leave.

[AJW]

@AnotherStander

This moderation thing is tough because it takes so long for my posts to show up.

Thank you for your wisdom and encouragement. I really hate where we are right now because she's almost acting like nothing is wrong and she's just putting on the happy face. Part of me just wants her to leave if she's only staying for our daughter. I so want to give her that ultimatum; "If you're not here to fix US, then just go".

To answer your question, no I'm not continuing to do the 'I love you' and plan dates, etc. etc. I'm mostly acting like an acquaintance to her now (which matches her behavior towards me) and I’m doing everything to focus on our daughter and meeting up/getting support from friends, etc. This is a fairly recent development though – last few days. It’s so frustrating though that she’s saving all her energy and happiness for her work friends, etc. and completely ignoring me and OUR married friends/family that would hold her accountable for her actions. She’s so tired and exhausted around me, but manages to go to work parties until late hours and go to NYC for three days with her sister and niece, etc. The OM and other men she’s built relationships with openly post on her Facebook.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. It’s also tough to GAL during the holidays because we’re doing all the family visits, etc. My therapist says to just be present but work on getting healthy myself…she’s familiar with Michele Wiener-Davis and generally supports her work. My wife had an individual counseling appt. with our marital therapist this morning. “How was the appt” I said. “Good” she says. Moving right along…

[Spartan]

Sorry you find yourself here but you're in the right spot. You'll get a lot of support and knowledge on these forums and your situation is similar to many of ours. Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? If not buy and and read it asap. Everything AS stated is exactly right. Just keep hope and become the man you know you need to be.

[AJW]

Reposting because of moderation:

How do I balance GAL and detaching with being available? I know one of my wife's primary complaints with me in the marriage has been my depression, emotional unavailability and distance. This is where I get really insecure about divorce busting because I want her to see that I'm engaged and making necessary changes, but of course I don't want to come off needy or desperate...

[AJW]

Can I bump this thread - not getting a lot of traction...

[dbmod]

^