My H was able to visit. Sorry about the details—but I need it for myself/coach.
For lunch, I suggested a couple of restaurants or cooking. He chose cooking. So we made vegetables and rice together. It was like the old times, with him asking me questions from a magazine and seeing how many I got right. We had our meal, and then lounged on the couch. He was as touchy as always but did ask what was “not allowed.” So I only allowed the hugging, hand holding, and cuddling. He asked what % chance I thought we had to have sex again. I said 50%. He was surprised. “Really? Better than the 1% chance you gave me on your journal!”
This was a good segue for me to talk about something that had been on my mind: the hurt he carries around. Shortly before he had the A, he searched through my stuff and found this notebook which I had been completing for my IC. I only wrote on it when I was angry or in a low mood. Basically, it was my way to vent. So he took pictures of every page on the journal and prob read it many times. He saw me as someone who hated him—based on the frustrations I put down. I don’t even remember what I wrote, but he remembers every word, and lately, he had been bringing some of those things up—as a joke. But I knew it wasn’t funny. I knew he was hiding the hurt. So today I said I was sorry about all those things I wrote. And that I knew he carried some hurt from the past. He hesitated, then said, “yes.” Then he said he wouldn’t have wanted me to read his journal. That when he was first starting the EA, he wrote why it was wrong, but he still did it.
I proceeded to tell him how I had changed as a person, and made sure to point out all the things that had hurt him: how I took him for granted, how I didn’t appreciate his efforts around the house/holidays bc they were not “perfect,” how I focused on what I didn’t like instead of on all the positives. I even talked about how I’m making the interactions with my mom more positive. He said, “wow, it looks like you’ve really taken a hard look at yourself.” I said yes. He first tried to tell me how he had made the same mistakes, but I told him I wasn’t pointing out what he had done, but what I had done bc I only controlled myself. So he listened. I wanted to avoid him feeling bad about himself in my presence.
He asked me what I thought about the A. I said it had happened, and we were aligned with it. I told him I understood how he was so frustrated and felt he could not trust me after reading the journal, and how the OW provided the attention he needed, plus he thought they were connecting bc she was also complaining about her M. He nodded and said “wow” again, as though saying, “you get it.” Then he added that this is what books said about A. I said it was true, but the books were probably right. He was quiet.
We talked about the Anita Morjani book, which has a lot of deep existentialist stuff, so it was good conversation. We talked for about 3 hours.
He asked me what his best and worst 3 qualities were. My answer: best: the way he can make anything fun, his smartness, and how he can read people. I didn’t tell him what his worst were, so he asked again. I said, “procrastination,” and then he cut me off to say, “my lies.” His expression was that of shame, and I didn’t want that feeling during our time together, so I said, “Well, that’s over.” He asked if I really thought he was always honest. I said not always but most of the time. I added, another quality is “not disclosing what you feel sometimes.” He said, “Sometimes? I don’t really like talking about what I feel at all.” I forgot what I said for #3 but it was a minor thing.
I asked him to tell me my qualities. He said best were kindness, beauty, and loving demeanor. Worst were stubbornness, inflexibility and being overly sensitive. I told him I was working on that and asked how I could overcome those things. He didn’t have an answer.
He also asked “what do you need from me now?” I said I wanted open communication and for him to share his feelings. He asked, “feelings about what?” I said, “about everything; what you like and don’t like, what you are worried about or afraid of.” He said he wasn’t there yet. I said it was okay. He added he might get there or not. I said either way was fine, and that I was sharing not everything but a lot. He also said that it was hard for him to share his feelings when the other person wasn’t going to like what he said. I think he was referring to him still wanting a D, bc he made the same comment in the past. I should’ve told him what I thought but figured it was negative, so I didn’t do it. Should I?
He also said he’d be more likely to be open if I didn’t freak out. I said I won’t, and he said he had noticed the change, and brought up when in the past I would get offended, so he didn’t want to open up anymore. I validated.
Interesting note: He said about 4 times that I was his wife. A couple examples: “Is it a sin to covet your wife?” And, “The tennis club owner asked me if you were injured. I didn’t know. My own wife and I didn’t know.” Also, “when we were married…I mean, we’re still married, but before…” He also said that sometimes when he meets other women he says, “Man, am I going to say in the future that I really had it good?”
I didn’t really see an in to ask about the confusion, so I didn’t do it. Maybe when he said he would think he had it good. I might’ve missed my chance, but it didn’t seem right at the moment. I thought the convo was already heavy enough.
He said it was comforting to see me. That I was fun and he enjoyed being with me.
I said I was looking forward to New Year’s Eve. I tried to sound enthusiastic but not over the top.
We danced, played ping pong…it was a fun time. Trying to not get too excited about this, since he did it back in July and August and then filed for D.
During one of our hugs he called me “love” again—first time since April. It slipped out, bc he said, “Ha ha, I still call you love.” He wanted to make it into a joke—again, his attempt to hide his real feelings.
He also asked about the coach. I was surprised. Back in June told him I was seeing a marriage coach and was taking the money out of our HSA account. Guess he didn’t forget! He asked whether the coach had told me to not have sex with him. I said no, that this was my own idea. Of course, he made it into another joke.
He asked if he had validated me enough during our M. I said sometimes. I asked him if I had validated enough, and he was quiet. That’s when I talked about my focusing on what wasn’t good and why I was changing that. He nodded. So this shows he is 1) self-conscious and might not feel like he’s a good person 2) wants me to ask him about my own behavior as a W.
We talked about so many things we had never talked about—at least since before he moved out. We remembered some good times. It felt good. He had a lot of Qs about the way I saw him as a H and about our M. I definitely sensed that he feels shame about the A and about the D. He definitely carries a lot of hurt.
And as I was writing this, he called. He said he really had a nice time and that it was “hard for us to…” he trailed off. I asked what it was but I know he was thinking “It’s hard for us to move on if we bond so much.” I pretended to be oblivious.—Right move? Didn’t want to bring on the “moving on” thing. But instead of answering my question, he said, “time will tell.” I said yes and ended the call.
Good interaction today. I’m proud of my behavior, and SO GLAD I didn’t give him the letter. Don’t feel like throwing in the towel like I did last night. Hopefully we’ll have more opportunities to talk like this so I can finally bring up the confusion thing. He never brought it up today---darn. But maybe he will again. If not, and the D date is coming up, I might bring it up myself—especially after my trip to CA when I will see his family.
Qs for you guys: 1. Your general impression about this meeting 2. Should I tell him when I know he’s thinking about D or moving on or any other negative stuff? I think he actually believes I don’t get it. Could this help him open up? I try to stay away from anything negative/ 3. Other advice.
