Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

[Sweetbriar]

Thanks Ruby, Ad and Busting for inquiring about me and supporting me!

Today has been awful. Im scared that Im falling back into a deep depression..not sure. I have NO motivation to do anything, I just wanna sleep and I am so hopeless about any kind of R with H. I read this morning a bunch of articles on affairs on the internet and one I read said that when the affair is a complete romantic affair when the couple falls in love, then usually the M is over. That is what my H is in...a complete lala love land...and he is very emotionally attached to her...makes me wanna give up some days.

I have been having tons of flashbacks today too of things that H said to me months ago when he first left..mean things...and I just keep replaying them in my head. Basically, beating myself up. Maybe Ad is right..maybe it is an after holiday thing since I did so well during the days of Christmas and Christmas Eve and such..who knows.

Its coming up on 5 months since H has been gone...I never thought he would stay gone. I was in denial and thought that he would realize all that he is losing and come back and try by now. Boy, was I wrong. I think the crying he has been doing and the texts of sadness gave me false hope that he was unhappy....but nothing has changed in his path. I think just some days, reality hits that I will not have my family again..that things will never be the same and that breaks my heart into a million pieces. As I have said before, its soul destroying. All that we put into our family and home and marriage and poof! Gone...and Im left to pick up the pieces while he is living with next to no responsibility. It makes me sick.

I have tried and tried to stay strong and think I have done a pretty decent job of doing so. I have remained strong for my girls and my baby...I have made the choices I have needed to make to better myself and keep consistancy at home and then these past 2 days I feel like I'm back to square one.

I do know that H is NOT in Mexico with OW...so I dont know why the trip has affected me so much. I guess because I feel like he doesn't deserve a fun vacation.

I really am scared about me becoming depressed even more than I am. I cannot take any meds for another 9 weeks...so I have to hold out until the baby is born. I just cannot see any light lately....H had made NO EFFORT to even talk to me except a few texts when he needs something or about the kids. ITs hard to believe that he doesnt miss me after all these years...its killing me to not be able to talk with him...how can he walk away so damn easy, I will never know.

I know that he is in a deep depression for sure. I have helped get him through many depressive states in our marriage..but none have been this big and bad. I want to believe that he started his A because he was so depressed and lost...but maybe he really wasnt in love with me anymore?? I looked back at pictures of us from last year at New Years and my SILs bday party and there are TONS of pics of us together...him hugging me...us smiling..HIM smiling...he looked happy. I remember New Years Eve and how happy and fun he was...and even Valentines day....he came home with a nice gift for me..the "key to his heart" for my pandora bracelet...only to find out the following month (March) he had met OW...I just dont get it...

Anyway, enough of my sob story...I just know that I can get on here and write and not hold back my sadness. My family is great support but they continue to tell me that Im better off without him and to stop obsessing with him and OW. Its just so darn hard...I miss my happy life...my family....and the good times that we shared together...why doesnt he remember them???