In total despair

[sandi2]

You, along with many LBH's, want to believe their WAW is holding back her true feelings and inwardly she wants to stay in the M. You can read that all through threads here on the board. IMO, it is a barrier that he places between what he "hopes is true" and the cold reality of the stitch. So instead of doing what will work, keeps taking cheeseless tunnels.

Sure it hurts! But you are trying to take what seems to be the "safer" route, b/c you are afraid to really let go. You admit you still hold expectations from her....yet she has repeatly disappointed you and failed your expectations. Love hurts when you are the only one doing the loving.

I think some may have a problem understanding what kind of R to maintain, if they aren't together, just like they don't understand how to detach & remain friendly. Some men think they have to show the WAW his coldness, or sullen attitude in order to detach. They just don't get how to detach friendly.

Anyway, let me try to give you a closer look at the reality. But first let me say that it may or may not be along the same line as what your DB coach advised. So far, I have not understood why the coach told you what he did.

When the WAW is "done", she is not thinking about R. She is thinking of her life without you as her H. Now, depending on the individual stitch, she may or may not care how badly you get hurt in all the fallout. She may or may not be vindictive. But the one thing I've seen that they have in common is once they are ready to leave, they want things to be over quickly and with as little hassle from the H as possible. Of course, the H usually puts up some resistance, which makes things worse. If she has OM, or wants to be free to date, she will grow weary of H's persistent pulling on the rope. That's when she presents the friendship card. (Some offer the friendship immediately after dropping the bomb...b/c they want to have him for a friend........but no intimacy.). If the M has been SS for a while, then she may have already learned how to settle into this "just good friends" lifestyle with him.

Many couples live like roommates. When that happens, it is trouble waiting to happen. She still wants a man in her life, and she still has emotional needs she wants filled much more than the physical. If her H has been a "roommate", there's a good chance he hasn't been filling her love tank, and that makes her vulnerable to other men. In many ways, what she feels or thinks of her H........could be much the same as if she had a female roommate living with her. I'm sure that is difficult to grasp, but remember, this did not come about over night.

As I said, every stitch has different details, and perhaps your MR had a healthy sex life. But something was lacking.....somewhere. If there are children from the M, then she may want to have a friends-based R even after she leaves and even if there is OM.

I feel that most of the WAW's I've read about, want to have the best of both worlds. She doesn't want her H, and she wants to be free of the M, but yet she wants him to be nice about it and continue to support her, go to her rescue if she needs anything, and continue to have family events together....all at her beck & call. That is why the LBH can quickly becom trapped in this type of relationship with the WAW. If he doesn't do something she wants, then she cries, "I thought we were working on having a friendship! This is not how you treat friends!". She will pull that friendship card whenever it suits her.....but not the H.

I have always thought that the WAW has to suffer some kind of loss before she will consider R the M, and if memory serves me right, MWD agreed in her DR book. Stop and think about it, why would she change her mind if she's getting everything her way? If the LBH thinks that she will wake up one morning and realize she still loves him and is ready to R the M, then he will likely be disappointed.......b/c it won't happen as long as she gets him, family, events, support, and freedom, all at the same time and without being his W!

I doubt any of the DB counselors will encourage you to kick her out to the streets, if you ask them that question. But have you considered telling her that you will give her two weeks or a month to get a place she can finance, b/c you will not continue to support her if she is not going to be your W. She won't be your responsibility. She won't like it, but she won't like anything that doesn't suit her needs. Your part is to give her plenty of notice, and to do it without anger, coldness, etc. You have to be able to tell her calmly, with confidence, and strength. Knowing, but not telling her, that she has to experience being fully on her own before any hopes of her changing can enter the picture. Please don't express this to her. That would be like shooting yourself in the foot!

Along with not giving her financial support, you should withdraw sharing family events. This is another way she needs to see how life without you (or without her being M to you) wil be for her. You don't tell her that part.....you just politely bow out of any invitations or suggestions purposes,and you give the kids a second birthday party, or whatever. She can do whatever she wants with the kids, but not at your home and not with you

The key point in all of this is to do it as calm and in as nice & friendly way as you can. Whatever you do..do not get into an argument with her, and when she starts.....you end the communication quickly. Now this important......the goal is not to win her over! Yes, your ultimate goal is to R the M, but that is way down the list. First things first. I think that some of you don't quite get the point that there are things she has to go through before that happens. It can happen a lot faster if you can relax about actually getting her back.......and just act as if you know it is going to happen, just not today. (Another item you do not share.)

The WAW needs to miss her H, especially if she has moved out. That won't happen if you are making contact with her and trying to "prove" you are a good friend she can depend upon. I have read so many threads where men get caught up in that thinking. Goes to show how mixed up and crazy the LBS can get. Listen, she can find a girlfriend, but the only R you should want is a MR. You could knock yourself out proving something that she isn't even attracted to! Attraction is the main word here. Remember, if she thinks of you as a "friend", she probably won't be attracted to you in the way she needs to be attracted to a man.

I think one of you said something about not knowing how to be friends without showing interest in their day or take time to listen to them. You see? This is exactly the trap I was talking about. What I'm really hearing is a LBS giving excuses for not detaching.....and if I can hear it, you better believe she will see right through it.

Friendly detachment is what we do every single day that we come in contact with another person we don't have an intimate relationship with. Why is that so hard to understand? Yes, it's hard when it is your S! But you have the example of your everyday contact with others you meet and use politeness. That's the word! Instead of thinking about friends, just think of politeness with a co-worker you aren't interested in having as a close buddy.

You have to stay free of all her emotional pitfalls in order to stand any kind of chance of having her as a wife in the future.